Recently, I uploaded a picture into instagram with me and my housemate. Nothing outrageous or anything it was, but just a simple selfie. Well 10 minutes into it, i get a DM from his “girlfriend/fwb” because of a hashtag i used. He claims he is single; thus i put it as #heissingle . He claims this girl isnt his girlfriend, yet they have intimate pics from like a year ago. Yet so much have happened between them. She sends me this text and i didnt know what to even say. She said ” Eh, he no single girl, he is my man”. I later send her a thumbs up as a reply because if i am pissed she is gone. Even God wont know what i would tell her.
But something that struck me was, look..he claims to not like her as a lover, but she was fighting for him. I thought to myself for a second, i have never had someone who have fought for me. Even in my past relationships, it was I who have for my boyfriends, It was I who took 100% effort in fighting for the love. I don’t know what it feels like to be somebody’s priority. I don’t know what it is like to constantly care for someone. Heck, i don’t even know what feels like to be loved unconditionally anymore. You know, the selfless love thing.
She might come home raging, angry, to claim her love. She calls him muffin, He calls her Laddoo (indian sweet). I want to cringe sometimes, I want to crawl into a ball and cry sometimes, when i hear those because all i get is my name. I am just busy being a hopeless whore trying to find love. You can call it jealousy, i call it self pity. My ex used to call me Choochi. lol! some cutesy term for cuteypie. That was 3 years ago. He turned out to be a monster.
I keep telling myself to focus on other things; myself; my failing youtube career, my fitness etc. But, nothing works. Its like love is the only thing that drives me. It was my drug. I feel like a cocaine addict who is on withdrawal. Maybe what people say is true, “Your love is my drug”.
Someday I will also smile from the bottom of my heart in disbelief by seeing some cute message or by experiencing some romantic gesture from someone who loves me. Someone who sees me not just for my vagina, but also for my heart.
Dear Laddoo, i dont want to be the ant in your heaven. Dear muffin, she is all yours.