Escape to Bangalore (Week 1)

Week 1 here and my brain was still finding it difficult to calibrate myself to the shift to Bangalore. This time, i could feel the overwhelming feelings creeping in. However, i wasn’t new to this kind of feeling because I have felt similar feelings when i was Kuala Lumpur for the first time. Work was again very monotonous since i am a new joiner and i had hella lots of things to learn. How the hell can a psychologist survive in a finance field!? Life makes you do crazy things. 

Another thing that i have to highlight is that i was very aware of my easy access to alcohol. Unlike in kerala where it looks awkward for a lady to stand in line and buy alcohol, here it was like how its in malaysia; you just walk in and buy. Therefore, on the first week, i bought my first bottle of alcohol. I bought Old Monk. 

The first time i had Old Monk was when i was in BruLand. One of my dad’s friend bought it from Bangalore itself. On my first sip of it, I fell in love with it. Since it’s not available anywhere else, i had to patiently wait until some kind soul decided to buy it and bring it back.  I honestly didn’t wait till it was night or anything to open the bottle. I rushed home and had my first sip of Old monk again after nearly a year. God! it tasted like chocolate to me. Sweet Sweet chocolate. 

That weekend Shabs and I went out. I really enjoy his company. (Again, more on this on some other post) . We went to Koramangala Forum Mall. Apparently, its one of the well known malls here. There were so many people! Having seen a plethora of people, we headed off to truffles. I am not even gonna lie, they have huge portion sizes, but the price is good. We then headed out for drinks in Jimis beer cafe. The beers here are strong. I met a friend of Shabs; Praveen and his girlfriend (?). She was very sweet. That stupid beer made me super tipsy but NOT drunk. Funny enough, for my uber on the way back, barely being able to keep my eyes open, i realised we are going on the wrong way. Not knowing Hindi and all, i somehow managed to tell the dude that the location is wrong. I open up my google maps and show him the way. Thus i will say happily, thanks to Shabs, my first weekend in BLR was fantastic. 

The following week, i slowly started making friends at work. As in, people started talking to me. I still dont know how to approach my seniors and all. More on my work and stuff on the next post because the following week i saw a road turn into a river. 

(to be continued)

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I had one chance to escape. Journey to Bangalore

Thus i left my safe haven, from the comfort of my parents, my car, my pets, my always fast wifi etc. Basically i was blessed to have everything that i pretty much needed in my life for that moment. Heck, i even had a part time job as a psychologist. I was somewhat living life, but i always was unhappy because i never felt a sense of belonging. I was always a foreigner, bound by a visa, locked in with a valid passport. I always had the longing to go back to India. My friends from India did keep suggesting that its a bad idea, but they never got plucked out of their once loving home for the next 10 years. They have always been here. My 2-3 weeks vacation in India was never enough, because before i get to immerse myself into being Indian, its time for me to leave. Clutching the  copious amount of Vanitha magazines and Hair oils, I always used to stare out into the skies that was zooming out right before my eyes. All my intention was just to absorb the last glimpses of the place i call home before it is engulfed by the puffy clouds.

 

I would say, after I finished my university, i was hoping to get a job in India. Anywhere in  a Kerala city was my goal. Be it Trivandrum, Cochin, or whatever. I kept applying every single day. Kept checking my naukri and the 10000 different job portal sites that i have signed up for. No luck was upon me as i was abroad. I never however stopped trying.

Then I realised my passport only have 3 more pages, which limits my chances of travelling off to anywhere. We tried everything to do it from outside itself, but was told that passport extension is better to be done in the home country. Then I knew, this is when I leave . This is my chance to leave. I leave on 9th August and on the second week i head out to Cochin for job hunting. Going out alone in a city for job hunting for the first time was one of the most memorable yet empowering moments in my life I would say. I survived solely on Munch chocolates, cream biscuits, and water. Not because i didn’t have money, but for some reason, feeding myself was not my priority.

On the 4th day of my job hunting venture, i get a call from a company in Bangalore saying that they saw my profile in naukri and offered me a job. I was on the way to Aster Medcity that day. Anyway, i told them, i will call back after i think about it. I was shaking of disbelief and shock. I informed my parents and we had a discussion. I was adamant that i wanted it though its not my field, because this is my one chance to lock myself in India, at least for a while. This was my make it or break it. This was the one and only chance i got/had. I took up the job offer and after a lot of running around here and there to settle the paper works and legal procedure, i hop on my night time train to Bangalore, this time, leaving behind another place i call home. 8 hours later, i reach the ever famous Bengaluru. I breathed in the different air, and said to myself, this is my home now. Get ready

 

(to be continued) 

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Loving you is like being at the edge of the shore with rough waves.

Where I am struggling to stay put .

Loving you is like being in the deep waters,

Terrifying yet somewhat beautiful.

You pull.

I push

You Push.

I pull.

Your words are stronger, so i find it hard to stay put.

I swirl in the swish of waves,

You pull me back even when you know that i can’t swim.

Into the deep waters I go,

There you let go.

I go down.

Drown.

Dead.

You Disregard. Smile.

The End .

 

Find more poems like these at @herstory_in_ink in instagram. Thanks!

 

I dream of…

I used to dream of a life where i am happily looking outside a window, overlooking a water body, with gentle breeze brushing off my hair and me feeling tranquil as every strand of my hair slowly brushes against my skin. Currently , as my life have hit a huge break, that perfect future is long way down. 13117949_1734032700197019_1759514266_n.jpeg

But i am allowed to dream of simpler things. I am allowed to wish for simple things. I dream of going for a night drive on a wet, drizzly night, with slow piano music in the background, in my worn out car. Thinking about absolutely nothing but just savoring the empty streets that probably glowing yellow with the dim street lights. Just the slow, faint music, sound of the engine and the slow whizz of the air conditioner in the car if there is any.

I dream of being able to enjoy every sip of coffee i take, alone, taking in the subtle aroma of roasted coffee beans. Not feeling lonely, or jealous seeing another “couple” sitting opposite of me. Instead, i dream of being able to enjoy that loneliness, to enjoy in my presence. Listening to my own breathing, senses.

I dream of a day where i am able to go to a place where i can mentor someone. Where i can be there to listen, to be someone’s hope, when they have none.

I dream of being genuinely happy with myself; no not always, but at least most of the time.

He is getting married

After all the fiasco, i go the news that he is getting married in April or May. i remember seeing the message and freezing instantly. it was my aaro that was getting married soon. i still haven’t digested the fact that the man i loved with every fiber of my being, is getting married to someone else. how could he move on so quick? doesnt it mean what we had for 2 and a half years was seemingly meaningless? it hurts like you are being burnt alive. but i hide the pain and give out a smile, for i have told everyone that i have moved on. i hope he will be happy. i only wish him the best.

 

dear aaro, you were my everything, you still are. but now you are going to be a married man soon. take care of yourself and her. bye

 

#iwishicoulddisappear

Ding Dong

So, recently i have a lot of time to myself, meaning i have been so alone. I am not complaining but, there us that hollow feeling in me. Ok ok.. I was thinking to write random stuffs about interesting things that happen on a typical day of mine. It could be anything from annoying little brother to awkward biology class, to crushes who sit next to me to my music! ANYTHING COUNTS.

Hope i can keep up and
U will enjoy 😊 k thanks bye