he is my man

Recently, I uploaded a picture into instagram with me and my housemate. Nothing outrageous or anything it was, but just a simple selfie. Well 10 minutes into it, i get a DM from his “girlfriend/fwb” because of a hashtag i used. He claims he is single; thus i put it as #heissingle . He claims this girl isnt his girlfriend, yet they have intimate pics from like a year ago. Yet so much have happened between them. She sends me this text and i didnt know what to even say. She said ” Eh, he no single girl, he is my man”. I later send her a thumbs up as a reply because if i am pissed she is gone. Even God wont know what i would tell her. 

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But something that struck me was, look..he claims to not like her as a lover, but she was fighting for him. I thought to myself for a second, i have never had someone who have fought for me.  Even in my past relationships, it was I who have for my boyfriends, It was I who took 100% effort in fighting for the love. I don’t know what it feels like to be somebody’s priority. I don’t know what it is like to constantly care for someone. Heck, i don’t even know what feels like to be loved unconditionally anymore. You know, the selfless love thing. 

She might come home raging, angry, to claim her love. She calls him muffin, He calls her Laddoo (indian sweet). I want to cringe sometimes, I want to crawl into a ball and cry sometimes, when i hear those because all i get is my name.  I am just busy being a hopeless whore trying to find love. You can call it jealousy, i call it self pity. My ex used to call me Choochi. lol! some cutesy term for cuteypie. That was 3 years ago.  He turned out to be a monster. 

I keep telling myself to focus on other things; myself; my failing youtube career, my fitness etc. But, nothing works. Its like love is the only thing that drives me. It was my drug. I feel like a cocaine addict who is on withdrawal. Maybe what people say is true, “Your love is my drug”.

Someday I will also smile from the bottom of my heart in disbelief by seeing some cute message or by experiencing some romantic gesture from someone who loves me. Someone who sees me not just for my vagina, but also for my heart. 

Dear Laddoo, i dont want to be the ant in your heaven. Dear muffin, she is all yours. 

-ashiean

 

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Who do you think you are?

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What right do you think you have for you to be missed by them?

What right do you think you have for you to open up your heart and soul to them?

What right do you think you have for you to even cross the thought of them liking you like the way you like them.

Who do you think you are?

You keep hearing things like, don’t expect anything from anyone, we are alone, i am running away from commitments of a relationship, then the worst; no strings attached please.

Who do you think you are for them to miss you?

You are just an outlet for their sexual frustration maybe. You are just a carrier of a genital.

What they will never know is, you are deeply hurt. You are always looking for love. You are hoping to be loved. What they will never know is there is a person behind all these sexual stuff. What they will never know is that she is very gentle and soft and wishes nothing but the best for the others. What they will never know is that she will rarely say NO, because she was brought up with the idea that saying NO is rude. Being rude is bad.Being bad is BAD.

What they will never know is she is caring and puts you before anything if given the opportunity. They will never know that she lives everyday in a lot of pain but hides it to keep the perfect funny bubbly image of hers.

She knows she will be just a talking topic.

She will fly like a feather, brushing one tree and another.

They will never know that she wants to be missed and loved too. Mostly, they will never know that sometimes all she needs is a meaningful long hug because it will crack the mask she wears proudly to show everyone that she is fine. But no one does that to a whore. Whores doesn’t deserve love. Whores can’t wish to missed or loved. What bullshit is that. Whores can’t ask to hug them.Because with the hugs whores gets, his hands will be in her pants. Whores can’t demand.

I am just waiting for January. To give another chance to myself. I am not a living sex toy. I am going to stop every bullshit that i am putting myself in.

She can’t tell anyone that she is at the lowest point in her life, but there are very few people who keeps her happy. There are few things that makes her smile.Why do i write all these in a public blog you might wonder. My audience doesn’t know me. I am just a girl who writes weird stuff.

with never ending hopes of finding love.

-ME

 

Lipstick stains

Her lipstick stains were still on his heart it seems.

For every little thing she was ready to forgive. But it makes no point anymore. I know i have put up a post saying that he was going to get married. I guess he got caught up with his work. In a month (Jn 2018) he is going to India for his sister’s wedding. He said maybe the family is planning something for him. Why should I be worried. I have only seen myself with him for so long that the thought of him sitting on that mandapam in his white shirt and mundu, with the nadaswaram resonating in the hall freaks me out. What if when he ties that knot on her he stops for a second and thinks of me. Crazy! What if he regrets it for a split second.  Nadasawarams freak me out these days. I know one thing for sure, he still loves me somewhere, deep in his heart. But, we can’t be together. I cannot be an “obeying” wife. I can only be a “loving” wife. I will not be sorry for feeling my emotions. I am mentally preparing myself to handle his wedding news a little easier.

A friend once told me ” Don’t expect anything from anyone”., “We are all alone.” I take a step back and think of what I’ve been doing. I know im alone. I know it much better than anyone else. Dont expect anything from anyone. I care for people that i am close with a lot. A lot that they think im crazy. That’s my problem. I care. i expect 5% of it back and i get hurt

LIPSTICK STAINS

I want to leave that lipstick stain on his heart. I don’t know.

The only lipstick stains i want to leave now is on my future boyfriends cheeks. haha. i cant wait till 4 more weeks to remove some people from my life. i think he is stuck in the Silk Board, Bangalore traffic jam. he is taking so long to come to me.

 

No strings attached-EMOTIONLESS

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Here, people “love” without any real feelings. Emotionless. Tinder works only for hookups here. It’s a lie that people say “some guys only want to be friends”. Doesn’t sound like it though because most of them are finding excuses to take you bed. I don’t hate men. I just hate their nerves to act so friendly and then once they take them to bed, they are able to let go of the girl without a thing. i dont know . Then their excuse is like “Uh, i am an asshole”, “uh please . no strings attached please”; especially when the girl makes it clear that she isn’t looking for hook ups. She hopes that he would really love.

Her world crashes down as he says “no strings attached”. She smiles through the sheer pleasure and pain of his manhood entering her. But he doesnt have to know that he also managed to crush her heart. She wakes up the next morning, with stomach still hurting from him fucking her. She gives him a smile, cuddles a bit and prepares to leave. Her heart now wounded from yesterdays words. For her, every time she hears this, its another story of rejection. As she stares into herself in the mirror of another guy’s home, she is more disgusted than happy.  The thoughts run wild.  A perfect example of EXPECTATIONS Vs REALITY.

EXPECTATIONS; She wakes up, wraps herself with the blanket where he brushes her hair back behind her ears and gives her a kiss on the nose. She looks deep into his eyes smiling widely as ever, her heart filled with so much joy, she just buries herself into his chest. HUG.

REALITY; She wakes up, stares at the ceiling for a good 5 minutes before checking her phone for the time. Its 830 am, Her stomach hurts from yesterday night. His arms still on her. She tries to not make a noise and browses facebook for the next 30 mins where he slowly wakes up. He asks what she wants for breakfast, she doesnt know. They go to a restaurant, in his super bike and he drops her off. done deal. fuck her. feed her. send her back home. repeat.

She washes off yesterday night from her skin. Pops a pill despite her irregular hormones to stop any chance of pregnancy. she is tired. she goes to sleep; hoping to find love elsewhere, but keeps lying to herself that love will come to her and she wont go looking for love.

 

 

the end.

No Strings Attached

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Sex used to be something that made me bind to the person that i am with. However, here, sex is nothing but something to get off to, I am horny so lets fuck kind of attitude. I always wondered how “no strings attached” concept works. Even strings attached is hard to process. What about NO STRINGS ATTACHED then. What if  you get feelings for the other person you know!? This then turns into unrequited love; which creates more pain. I am not saying this is what everyone feels but all i am trying to say is one of the party might end up catching some kind of feelings.

Now to what bothers me.

I have my own set of hookup stories. I am not proud of it. Sex used to be something very emotional for me, despite the kinnkiness of it. I go back to my abusive  ex when i think of it. I used to watch him sleep. So vulnerable, tired after great sex. It only made me love him more. For me, when someone cares a bit too much, i melt. I dont always get that kind of feelings from anyone. So when i finally find someone who actually cares for this psycho girl in a non parental way, i melt and fall in love.  The thing with friends with no strings attached is that they keep in touch to keep the chemistry going. They know if you stop talking, the chemistry is gone and then there is no next time. I realised this is the worst kind of time pass.

Not only that you are at risk, but these guys will only love you for your genitals than your heart. What the hell am i looking for? Someone who love my heart than my genitals. I am no sex object. I guess i am at one of the lowest points of my love life. The guys in india seems stuck up. The guys who showed interest in me, but when i confess i like them, they back off. I don’t know if its me or them. Is it my size? Maybe is personal commitments? Those who show some kind of affection turns out to be wanting sex at the end of the day.

Now who would want to love me anyways. I have destroyed myself. Maybe this was desperation. I don’t know. I crave to be touched , like a hug or holding hands or so. I crave some kind of affection. And then here i am having A FWB. It sucks. it really does. its about time i shut myself off again. Who cares if  im living the city life. i  will stay shut until im happy. i am ready to find love. but i am patiently waiting for it to come. and also,  no strings attached relationships are not for me.  i think what i am doing is that im trying to find him in everyone i meet (no i dont fuck everyone i meet) . thats all.

 

thats all folks

Escape to Bangalore (Week 2)

In the second week here,  I honestly was getting a little more lonelier and such day by day. However something interesting kept happening. It rained EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! One of the days the rains were so bad that the road in front of my office space literally became like a river. Well, that was just one of the many roads that were turned into a river. It used to get unbelievably cold in the morning. At least for someone who comes from the tropical countries, this cold was unusual. I somewhat hated it. 

Also, i met few of my acquainted friends and my bestie Sruthy. Sruthy was my classmate in university. sister from another mother. We went out to the nearby mall and chilled out. I never thought i would see her again in my entire life but ah life makes you do crazy things. At work, I was getting a little more acceptance and recognition than last week. There is a word that goes here and its like, there are gangs. You have to be here for years or months for you to be accepted into a gang. Once you are in the gang, you are not allowed to leave or switch gangs. Crazy right! Well, i am not here to make gangs. Heck i dont even want to keep friends here. While i was working in Brunei, my work ethic was something like “you are my friend from 8 am to 5 pm.” I keep the same here. I will mingle with you from 630 am to 330pm.  

That weekend was deepavali. I went to Commercial Street. This was 10x bigger than Pasar Seni in Malaysia. I was so happy i went there all alone exploring. Walked a lot that day to be honest! Through the sides of cubbon park. i couldn’t go in because it was kinda dark and late anyways. one thing for sure, i cant wait to go to commercial again and next time, i might even go to cubbon park, if i get to go early. On the way back, i met up with Shabs (probably my most favorite part of the day). I swear i love his jokes where he sees a fancy car and says “Oh i just lend it for a day, have to collect it tomorrow“. Every time he cracks that joke and every time i see a fancy car when i am alone, i think to myself ” hmmm, shabin must have lend it to them”. 

Deepavali here is grand. Non stop fireworks and sales and what not. I enjoy watching fireworks from a distance. I like that i am here for this celebration. I feel blessed that i got to see the Deepavali celebrations from Malaysia and India now. I really hope i will have an opportunity to celebrate many more celebrations.  The fireworks that night lasted till around 12 am.  i had work the next day so it was difficult to sleep.  But i do hope that i will be here next year to celebrate another deepavali here, who knows with a lucky someone. 

(to be continued)

Escape to Bangalore (Week 1)

Week 1 here and my brain was still finding it difficult to calibrate myself to the shift to Bangalore. This time, i could feel the overwhelming feelings creeping in. However, i wasn’t new to this kind of feeling because I have felt similar feelings when i was Kuala Lumpur for the first time. Work was again very monotonous since i am a new joiner and i had hella lots of things to learn. How the hell can a psychologist survive in a finance field!? Life makes you do crazy things. 

Another thing that i have to highlight is that i was very aware of my easy access to alcohol. Unlike in kerala where it looks awkward for a lady to stand in line and buy alcohol, here it was like how its in malaysia; you just walk in and buy. Therefore, on the first week, i bought my first bottle of alcohol. I bought Old Monk. 

The first time i had Old Monk was when i was in BruLand. One of my dad’s friend bought it from Bangalore itself. On my first sip of it, I fell in love with it. Since it’s not available anywhere else, i had to patiently wait until some kind soul decided to buy it and bring it back.  I honestly didn’t wait till it was night or anything to open the bottle. I rushed home and had my first sip of Old monk again after nearly a year. God! it tasted like chocolate to me. Sweet Sweet chocolate. 

That weekend Shabs and I went out. I really enjoy his company. (Again, more on this on some other post) . We went to Koramangala Forum Mall. Apparently, its one of the well known malls here. There were so many people! Having seen a plethora of people, we headed off to truffles. I am not even gonna lie, they have huge portion sizes, but the price is good. We then headed out for drinks in Jimis beer cafe. The beers here are strong. I met a friend of Shabs; Praveen and his girlfriend (?). She was very sweet. That stupid beer made me super tipsy but NOT drunk. Funny enough, for my uber on the way back, barely being able to keep my eyes open, i realised we are going on the wrong way. Not knowing Hindi and all, i somehow managed to tell the dude that the location is wrong. I open up my google maps and show him the way. Thus i will say happily, thanks to Shabs, my first weekend in BLR was fantastic. 

The following week, i slowly started making friends at work. As in, people started talking to me. I still dont know how to approach my seniors and all. More on my work and stuff on the next post because the following week i saw a road turn into a river. 

(to be continued)