Who do you think you are?

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What right do you think you have for you to be missed by them?

What right do you think you have for you to open up your heart and soul to them?

What right do you think you have for you to even cross the thought of them liking you like the way you like them.

Who do you think you are?

You keep hearing things like, don’t expect anything from anyone, we are alone, i am running away from commitments of a relationship, then the worst; no strings attached please.

Who do you think you are for them to miss you?

You are just an outlet for their sexual frustration maybe. You are just a carrier of a genital.

What they will never know is, you are deeply hurt. You are always looking for love. You are hoping to be loved. What they will never know is there is a person behind all these sexual stuff. What they will never know is that she is very gentle and soft and wishes nothing but the best for the others. What they will never know is that she will rarely say NO, because she was brought up with the idea that saying NO is rude. Being rude is bad.Being bad is BAD.

What they will never know is she is caring and puts you before anything if given the opportunity. They will never know that she lives everyday in a lot of pain but hides it to keep the perfect funny bubbly image of hers.

She knows she will be just a talking topic.

She will fly like a feather, brushing one tree and another.

They will never know that she wants to be missed and loved too. Mostly, they will never know that sometimes all she needs is a meaningful long hug because it will crack the mask she wears proudly to show everyone that she is fine. But no one does that to a whore. Whores doesn’t deserve love. Whores can’t wish to missed or loved. What bullshit is that. Whores can’t ask to hug them.Because with the hugs whores gets, his hands will be in her pants. Whores can’t demand.

I am just waiting for January. To give another chance to myself. I am not a living sex toy. I am going to stop every bullshit that i am putting myself in.

She can’t tell anyone that she is at the lowest point in her life, but there are very few people who keeps her happy. There are few things that makes her smile.Why do i write all these in a public blog you might wonder. My audience doesn’t know me. I am just a girl who writes weird stuff.

with never ending hopes of finding love.

-ME

 

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Lipstick stains

Her lipstick stains were still on his heart it seems.

For every little thing she was ready to forgive. But it makes no point anymore. I know i have put up a post saying that he was going to get married. I guess he got caught up with his work. In a month (Jn 2018) he is going to India for his sister’s wedding. He said maybe the family is planning something for him. Why should I be worried. I have only seen myself with him for so long that the thought of him sitting on that mandapam in his white shirt and mundu, with the nadaswaram resonating in the hall freaks me out. What if when he ties that knot on her he stops for a second and thinks of me. Crazy! What if he regrets it for a split second.  Nadasawarams freak me out these days. I know one thing for sure, he still loves me somewhere, deep in his heart. But, we can’t be together. I cannot be an “obeying” wife. I can only be a “loving” wife. I will not be sorry for feeling my emotions. I am mentally preparing myself to handle his wedding news a little easier.

A friend once told me ” Don’t expect anything from anyone”., “We are all alone.” I take a step back and think of what I’ve been doing. I know im alone. I know it much better than anyone else. Dont expect anything from anyone. I care for people that i am close with a lot. A lot that they think im crazy. That’s my problem. I care. i expect 5% of it back and i get hurt

LIPSTICK STAINS

I want to leave that lipstick stain on his heart. I don’t know.

The only lipstick stains i want to leave now is on my future boyfriends cheeks. haha. i cant wait till 4 more weeks to remove some people from my life. i think he is stuck in the Silk Board, Bangalore traffic jam. he is taking so long to come to me.

 

I had one chance to escape. Journey to Bangalore

Thus i left my safe haven, from the comfort of my parents, my car, my pets, my always fast wifi etc. Basically i was blessed to have everything that i pretty much needed in my life for that moment. Heck, i even had a part time job as a psychologist. I was somewhat living life, but i always was unhappy because i never felt a sense of belonging. I was always a foreigner, bound by a visa, locked in with a valid passport. I always had the longing to go back to India. My friends from India did keep suggesting that its a bad idea, but they never got plucked out of their once loving home for the next 10 years. They have always been here. My 2-3 weeks vacation in India was never enough, because before i get to immerse myself into being Indian, its time for me to leave. Clutching the  copious amount of Vanitha magazines and Hair oils, I always used to stare out into the skies that was zooming out right before my eyes. All my intention was just to absorb the last glimpses of the place i call home before it is engulfed by the puffy clouds.

 

I would say, after I finished my university, i was hoping to get a job in India. Anywhere in  a Kerala city was my goal. Be it Trivandrum, Cochin, or whatever. I kept applying every single day. Kept checking my naukri and the 10000 different job portal sites that i have signed up for. No luck was upon me as i was abroad. I never however stopped trying.

Then I realised my passport only have 3 more pages, which limits my chances of travelling off to anywhere. We tried everything to do it from outside itself, but was told that passport extension is better to be done in the home country. Then I knew, this is when I leave . This is my chance to leave. I leave on 9th August and on the second week i head out to Cochin for job hunting. Going out alone in a city for job hunting for the first time was one of the most memorable yet empowering moments in my life I would say. I survived solely on Munch chocolates, cream biscuits, and water. Not because i didn’t have money, but for some reason, feeding myself was not my priority.

On the 4th day of my job hunting venture, i get a call from a company in Bangalore saying that they saw my profile in naukri and offered me a job. I was on the way to Aster Medcity that day. Anyway, i told them, i will call back after i think about it. I was shaking of disbelief and shock. I informed my parents and we had a discussion. I was adamant that i wanted it though its not my field, because this is my one chance to lock myself in India, at least for a while. This was my make it or break it. This was the one and only chance i got/had. I took up the job offer and after a lot of running around here and there to settle the paper works and legal procedure, i hop on my night time train to Bangalore, this time, leaving behind another place i call home. 8 hours later, i reach the ever famous Bengaluru. I breathed in the different air, and said to myself, this is my home now. Get ready

 

(to be continued) 

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Loving you is like being at the edge of the shore with rough waves.

Where I am struggling to stay put .

Loving you is like being in the deep waters,

Terrifying yet somewhat beautiful.

You pull.

I push

You Push.

I pull.

Your words are stronger, so i find it hard to stay put.

I swirl in the swish of waves,

You pull me back even when you know that i can’t swim.

Into the deep waters I go,

There you let go.

I go down.

Drown.

Dead.

You Disregard. Smile.

The End .

 

Find more poems like these at @herstory_in_ink in instagram. Thanks!