I dream of…

I used to dream of a life where i am happily looking outside a window, overlooking a water body, with gentle breeze brushing off my hair and me feeling tranquil as every strand of my hair slowly brushes against my skin. Currently , as my life have hit a huge break, that perfect future is long way down. 13117949_1734032700197019_1759514266_n.jpeg

But i am allowed to dream of simpler things. I am allowed to wish for simple things. I dream of going for a night drive on a wet, drizzly night, with slow piano music in the background, in my worn out car. Thinking about absolutely nothing but just savoring the empty streets that probably glowing yellow with the dim street lights. Just the slow, faint music, sound of the engine and the slow whizz of the air conditioner in the car if there is any.

I dream of being able to enjoy every sip of coffee i take, alone, taking in the subtle aroma of roasted coffee beans. Not feeling lonely, or jealous seeing another “couple” sitting opposite of me. Instead, i dream of being able to enjoy that loneliness, to enjoy in my presence. Listening to my own breathing, senses.

I dream of a day where i am able to go to a place where i can mentor someone. Where i can be there to listen, to be someone’s hope, when they have none.

I dream of being genuinely happy with myself; no not always, but at least most of the time.

Healing from a Heartbreak is a slow process

Love is a choice.

It’s an emotion.

Its a feeling.

It’s a decision.

It’s heaven.

It’s Sacrifice.

It’s godly.

It’s happiness.

There are so many wonderful words to describe the feeling called love. But what about heartbreak? Not just a heartbreak, what is that feeling you feel when someone you cared about deeply, some whom you loved truly, lets you go? What is that feeling?

Nobody would then tell you about the initial confusion that you go through. Did he/she do anything? Did i say something wrong? Did i do something wrong? As time passes, no body would tell you about the loneliness that you would feel. The dread you feel. The pain you feel. The fear you feel. Nobody would tell you about that.

As days pass by, nobody would tell you that your soaking wet pillows would have collected so much tears by weeks time. And about the terrible depression that pulls you down to the bed. Or about the silent tears that fall down the side of your face when you are staring at the ceiling. No one would tell you about losing you appetite, or being bombarded with memories as you see the places or go to places where you once visited with him/her.

Then memories fill your head and you think maybe he/she will come back to you. You beg, whine, cry. Nothing happens. Nothing but you being kicked out or yelled at or in modern digital world: blocked and removed. The person that you have seen as your everything; your life, your breath, your smile, your purpose in life have turned into this cold, heartless, loveless, angry person that you have never seen before. You ask yourselves, all the whys and hows but there is no denying that the person you still hold on to have let you go a long time ago.

You sink into the reality that it’s over; but your heart so attached to this person, isn’t ready to accept the fact that its all over. You spend your nights scrolling through your pictures, listening to the songs that you called it as “ours”. You read all the sweet messages between you two. You keep hold of their clothes which still have their smell lingering on every thread. But deep inside, there is this pain. a form of physical pain that slowly engulfs a part of your chest. From within. You want to scream. So loud. Ask why. Your mind is chaotic. There is a storm happening in there and you are trying to keep your sanity. You cry. Cry yourselves to sleep.

This repeats, but the intensity is less. Sometimes you smile. Take baby steps. Your heart still broken. But as time passes, even though you sometimes go back to the lover you once had, you feel less pain when you see it or think about it. Slowly your heart becomes whole again. You can smile. You are somewhat OKAY. Okay enough to smile and laugh. Okay enough to sleep well at night.

Fear

For most of us, fear is something that we have all grown up with. Under the developmental and biopsychological aspect, fear is classified as something we are grown with. Fear can be temporary. Fear can be continuous and sometimes very unfortunately permanent. 

To my beloved followers, fear of god, respectful fear of parents and fear of consequences of negative actions by yourselves are necessary and it makes sense. But, never ever be afraid of living. Never let others run over you. Never live to please others and forget about yourselves. Never fear to try, never fear to fail, or take risks once in a while. Never live your life with fear of disappointing anyone. If they are angry or disappointed at you/ with you for no reason; my friend, fret not because it is not your fault. 

Fear not the days nor the darklight for darkness has a beauty on its own. Fear not the solitude, because solitude offers some peace of mind for a while. Fear not to be happy. THIS IS IMPORTANF because many people have a belief that being happy for a long time is dangerous as it brings an intense sadness. WRONG! Sadness or negative events will come and go, but happiness will linger around for longer. The moment you realise you are given another day to live, should be a happy moment and etc. 

There will be tough days but it wont last forever. I am a psychology major degree student. In an Asian context, considering the world stigma of how crazy Asians are about education, there are days when i dont get enough sleep as i have tests and assignments that makes no sense. There are days when i want to just dissappear somewhere. But, at the end of the day i think, “hey this is not going ro last forever”. I mean it feels like its forever but not literally.  

So fear not fellow readers, of life. Of what life has to offer you. If life is miserable now, dont you dare think about giving up because once you know you survived it, you will be a strong individual in many aspects.

Fear maybe something we are defaulted with, but it doesnt mean we have to let it take away our peace of mind. 

Take care.