Who do you think you are?

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What right do you think you have for you to be missed by them?

What right do you think you have for you to open up your heart and soul to them?

What right do you think you have for you to even cross the thought of them liking you like the way you like them.

Who do you think you are?

You keep hearing things like, don’t expect anything from anyone, we are alone, i am running away from commitments of a relationship, then the worst; no strings attached please.

Who do you think you are for them to miss you?

You are just an outlet for their sexual frustration maybe. You are just a carrier of a genital.

What they will never know is, you are deeply hurt. You are always looking for love. You are hoping to be loved. What they will never know is there is a person behind all these sexual stuff. What they will never know is that she is very gentle and soft and wishes nothing but the best for the others. What they will never know is that she will rarely say NO, because she was brought up with the idea that saying NO is rude. Being rude is bad.Being bad is BAD.

What they will never know is she is caring and puts you before anything if given the opportunity. They will never know that she lives everyday in a lot of pain but hides it to keep the perfect funny bubbly image of hers.

She knows she will be just a talking topic.

She will fly like a feather, brushing one tree and another.

They will never know that she wants to be missed and loved too. Mostly, they will never know that sometimes all she needs is a meaningful long hug because it will crack the mask she wears proudly to show everyone that she is fine. But no one does that to a whore. Whores doesn’t deserve love. Whores can’t wish to missed or loved. What bullshit is that. Whores can’t ask to hug them.Because with the hugs whores gets, his hands will be in her pants. Whores can’t demand.

I am just waiting for January. To give another chance to myself. I am not a living sex toy. I am going to stop every bullshit that i am putting myself in.

She can’t tell anyone that she is at the lowest point in her life, but there are very few people who keeps her happy. There are few things that makes her smile.Why do i write all these in a public blog you might wonder. My audience doesn’t know me. I am just a girl who writes weird stuff.

with never ending hopes of finding love.

-ME

 

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I dream of…

I used to dream of a life where i am happily looking outside a window, overlooking a water body, with gentle breeze brushing off my hair and me feeling tranquil as every strand of my hair slowly brushes against my skin. Currently , as my life have hit a huge break, that perfect future is long way down. 13117949_1734032700197019_1759514266_n.jpeg

But i am allowed to dream of simpler things. I am allowed to wish for simple things. I dream of going for a night drive on a wet, drizzly night, with slow piano music in the background, in my worn out car. Thinking about absolutely nothing but just savoring the empty streets that probably glowing yellow with the dim street lights. Just the slow, faint music, sound of the engine and the slow whizz of the air conditioner in the car if there is any.

I dream of being able to enjoy every sip of coffee i take, alone, taking in the subtle aroma of roasted coffee beans. Not feeling lonely, or jealous seeing another “couple” sitting opposite of me. Instead, i dream of being able to enjoy that loneliness, to enjoy in my presence. Listening to my own breathing, senses.

I dream of a day where i am able to go to a place where i can mentor someone. Where i can be there to listen, to be someone’s hope, when they have none.

I dream of being genuinely happy with myself; no not always, but at least most of the time.