Spiraling down again

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2 years ago, i remember i used to go workout every single day. However, i was severely depressed because of a break up that i was going through. There used to be days when depression would win. Let me tell you though, working out was my zen time. Running that one extra minute. Lifting that extra 2 kgs, Doing one extra rep, all was gave me a boost. However, it all would come crashing down the second i am back in my room. I used to cry for hours and still wipe my face and find the energy to go workout. Just like how love was a drug to me, working out and the adrenaline was a drug too. I remember my days wake up-class-home-eat-work out-sleep- repeat. I was mostly at home. On better days, i used to go to starbucks and give myself a little treat of my favorite caramel frappucino. But there were also days where lunch and dinner was vodka. Sometimes evening tea (aka vodka), sometimes midnight snack. When i think of it all now, i was a wreck. I remember crying without a stop for hours and then getting up to pee. I never bothered drinking enough water other than at gym. Now the feelings are coming back. I really wanted my 2018 to start well. I really hoped, but i think that wont happen.

I recently got rejected. Funny when i think about it. I used to be the girl that was never out of love. I guess it only made me have so much to give. Suddenly, when rejections started happening. i started crumbling. it feels honestly like a break up. in this case, the pain is masked by being cute. i swear to god it hurts every time i leave his place. shit happens. Last year this time, i was on my revival trip to Langkawi with my bestie. By dec last year, i had come a long way. it was a trip to forget his memories. I went to many of the places that me and him went together.

Now i see myself being lost again because of problems at home, stress, rejections, hopelessness. In front of everyone, i am so fucking happy that i cant be contained. People envy. i wouldn’t wish my life on anyone. its like as if i open my legs and my problems are gone. they get what they want atleast, thus i do what i do best even in my sadness; make people happy. i am spiraling down with no help. This is why,my new year resolution is to be happy.

ONE LAST THING. i have never cried a single tear in the past few months, because i bottle everything up. trust me, i used to be the girl who used to cry seeing a road accident, then i built up this huge wall and told myself i will never cry again, for anything, or anyone. there were times when i just want to fall on the ground and cry my heart would clench but i never shed a tear. but tonight i will cry my heart out. i will be crying out everything that i have been holding in for so long. For real, i am hoping for a better 2018 despite all the let down in my life.

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My Depression

My Depression is a shape shifter. One day it is small; barely noticeable, whereas other days it stands right in front of me; bright and colourful. On those days its bright and colourful, i get blinded to a point that i am oblivious, lost and scared of everything around me. The bad days are my heavier days. From the moment i open my eyes, its like something is pulling me so close to the bed. I would keep checking the time and it would be going so slow. Tears roll down every damn day, and i immediately wipe it off before it reaches my cheek. The “Me” that everyone knows is not the real me.  There are days when i cry for hours, sometimes 2 ,sometimes 6.  there are days when i don’t eat. there are days that i binge so much that at the end of the day all i want to do is vomit. the moment i see someone, it turns into this bubbly cheer. happy smiles. but this depression have taken away the best of me. i have lost someone that i really love to this. that person got fooled by what my depression did. it wasn’t me. it was my depression.

there are days when anxiety creeps on me every other night. nightmares. wake up once, wake up twice and before i know it, its 8 in the morning and i got 3 hours of sleep. yet i put on a big smile and walk out. some nights the anxiety wraps me around, traps me and chokes me. chokes me so bad that i think i am going to die. the following morning i still lie on my bed from the tiredness, sore eyes, painful chest. i pull myself up and put on that happy face.

there are nights when alcohol becomes my best friend. there are nights where i crumble and tremble. i am tired but please know, i am trying to get better. i am trying to escape. i am really trying to escape from this demon called depression

it’s not anyone else’s fault. it is not my fault. its just my fate.