Spiraling down again

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2 years ago, i remember i used to go workout every single day. However, i was severely depressed because of a break up that i was going through. There used to be days when depression would win. Let me tell you though, working out was my zen time. Running that one extra minute. Lifting that extra 2 kgs, Doing one extra rep, all was gave me a boost. However, it all would come crashing down the second i am back in my room. I used to cry for hours and still wipe my face and find the energy to go workout. Just like how love was a drug to me, working out and the adrenaline was a drug too. I remember my days wake up-class-home-eat-work out-sleep- repeat. I was mostly at home. On better days, i used to go to starbucks and give myself a little treat of my favorite caramel frappucino. But there were also days where lunch and dinner was vodka. Sometimes evening tea (aka vodka), sometimes midnight snack. When i think of it all now, i was a wreck. I remember crying without a stop for hours and then getting up to pee. I never bothered drinking enough water other than at gym. Now the feelings are coming back. I really wanted my 2018 to start well. I really hoped, but i think that wont happen.

I recently got rejected. Funny when i think about it. I used to be the girl that was never out of love. I guess it only made me have so much to give. Suddenly, when rejections started happening. i started crumbling. it feels honestly like a break up. in this case, the pain is masked by being cute. i swear to god it hurts every time i leave his place. shit happens. Last year this time, i was on my revival trip to Langkawi with my bestie. By dec last year, i had come a long way. it was a trip to forget his memories. I went to many of the places that me and him went together.

Now i see myself being lost again because of problems at home, stress, rejections, hopelessness. In front of everyone, i am so fucking happy that i cant be contained. People envy. i wouldn’t wish my life on anyone. its like as if i open my legs and my problems are gone. they get what they want atleast, thus i do what i do best even in my sadness; make people happy. i am spiraling down with no help. This is why,my new year resolution is to be happy.

ONE LAST THING. i have never cried a single tear in the past few months, because i bottle everything up. trust me, i used to be the girl who used to cry seeing a road accident, then i built up this huge wall and told myself i will never cry again, for anything, or anyone. there were times when i just want to fall on the ground and cry my heart would clench but i never shed a tear. but tonight i will cry my heart out. i will be crying out everything that i have been holding in for so long. For real, i am hoping for a better 2018 despite all the let down in my life.

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Who do you think you are?

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What right do you think you have for you to be missed by them?

What right do you think you have for you to open up your heart and soul to them?

What right do you think you have for you to even cross the thought of them liking you like the way you like them.

Who do you think you are?

You keep hearing things like, don’t expect anything from anyone, we are alone, i am running away from commitments of a relationship, then the worst; no strings attached please.

Who do you think you are for them to miss you?

You are just an outlet for their sexual frustration maybe. You are just a carrier of a genital.

What they will never know is, you are deeply hurt. You are always looking for love. You are hoping to be loved. What they will never know is there is a person behind all these sexual stuff. What they will never know is that she is very gentle and soft and wishes nothing but the best for the others. What they will never know is that she will rarely say NO, because she was brought up with the idea that saying NO is rude. Being rude is bad.Being bad is BAD.

What they will never know is she is caring and puts you before anything if given the opportunity. They will never know that she lives everyday in a lot of pain but hides it to keep the perfect funny bubbly image of hers.

She knows she will be just a talking topic.

She will fly like a feather, brushing one tree and another.

They will never know that she wants to be missed and loved too. Mostly, they will never know that sometimes all she needs is a meaningful long hug because it will crack the mask she wears proudly to show everyone that she is fine. But no one does that to a whore. Whores doesn’t deserve love. Whores can’t wish to missed or loved. What bullshit is that. Whores can’t ask to hug them.Because with the hugs whores gets, his hands will be in her pants. Whores can’t demand.

I am just waiting for January. To give another chance to myself. I am not a living sex toy. I am going to stop every bullshit that i am putting myself in.

She can’t tell anyone that she is at the lowest point in her life, but there are very few people who keeps her happy. There are few things that makes her smile.Why do i write all these in a public blog you might wonder. My audience doesn’t know me. I am just a girl who writes weird stuff.

with never ending hopes of finding love.

-ME

 

Final Trip to Batu Caves

How to reach batu caves via public transport? 

No matter where you are, make your way to KL Sentral. It is easily accessible by LRT and buses. From KL Sentral, take the KTM to batu caves. It costs RM 2.60 for a one way trip. Batu Caves is the last station. If you are not using a travel card such as touch n go, you will be given a token. Make sure you dont lose the token. 

After reaching the station, make your way out ( right side of the exit). Once you pass by and walk a little bit, you will be welcomed with the big statue of Lord Muruga, as shown below.

There are also a lot of pigeons and monkeys on the ground area as well as the stairs. There are more than 200 stairs and it is quiet a climb. Make sure you are not wearing shorts or short skirts as you are required to buy a compulsory piece of cloth to cover the legs. Therefore, it is important to be dressed decently and comfortably. 

While climbing the stairs, beware of the monkeys. They are smart in snatching food, drinks and small items from your hands. 

This is the view at the top. You will be pleasantly welcomed with the mild scent of burning incense sticks. 

There are statues of different hindu gods such as ganapathy as you walk further into the cave. 

View from inside

As you leave, make sure you get a picture with the pigeons. 

Well thats the end of the Batu Caves journey. Ticket back to KL Sentral will cost RM2.60 and your train would be in platform 1. 

Best times to visit, after 4 pm on weekdays as there are less people. 

Thank you for reading my post. 

Final Days in Malaysia (mini travalogue)

I have reached my last week of my life in Malaysia. It wasn’t always easy, but i had lots of good memories. Lots of places that i loved, lots of new experiences. Life is a journey, and everything has to move on. In this little series, i will be sharing about the few good and famous tourist spots of Malaysia (specifically around Kuala Lumpur). Thank you for reading and i hope you will enjoy my first travelogue post about Batu Caves. Check it out in my next post.