I dream of…

I used to dream of a life where i am happily looking outside a window, overlooking a water body, with gentle breeze brushing off my hair and me feeling tranquil as every strand of my hair slowly brushes against my skin. Currently , as my life have hit a huge break, that perfect future is long way down. 13117949_1734032700197019_1759514266_n.jpeg

But i am allowed to dream of simpler things. I am allowed to wish for simple things. I dream of going for a night drive on a wet, drizzly night, with slow piano music in the background, in my worn out car. Thinking about absolutely nothing but just savoring the empty streets that probably glowing yellow with the dim street lights. Just the slow, faint music, sound of the engine and the slow whizz of the air conditioner in the car if there is any.

I dream of being able to enjoy every sip of coffee i take, alone, taking in the subtle aroma of roasted coffee beans. Not feeling lonely, or jealous seeing another “couple” sitting opposite of me. Instead, i dream of being able to enjoy that loneliness, to enjoy in my presence. Listening to my own breathing, senses.

I dream of a day where i am able to go to a place where i can mentor someone. Where i can be there to listen, to be someone’s hope, when they have none.

I dream of being genuinely happy with myself; no not always, but at least most of the time.

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He is getting married

After all the fiasco, i go the news that he is getting married in April or May. i remember seeing the message and freezing instantly. it was my aaro that was getting married soon. i still haven’t digested the fact that the man i loved with every fiber of my being, is getting married to someone else. how could he move on so quick? doesnt it mean what we had for 2 and a half years was seemingly meaningless? it hurts like you are being burnt alive. but i hide the pain and give out a smile, for i have told everyone that i have moved on. i hope he will be happy. i only wish him the best.

 

dear aaro, you were my everything, you still are. but now you are going to be a married man soon. take care of yourself and her. bye

 

#iwishicoulddisappear

Healing from a Heartbreak is a slow process

Love is a choice.

It’s an emotion.

Its a feeling.

It’s a decision.

It’s heaven.

It’s Sacrifice.

It’s godly.

It’s happiness.

There are so many wonderful words to describe the feeling called love. But what about heartbreak? Not just a heartbreak, what is that feeling you feel when someone you cared about deeply, some whom you loved truly, lets you go? What is that feeling?

Nobody would then tell you about the initial confusion that you go through. Did he/she do anything? Did i say something wrong? Did i do something wrong? As time passes, no body would tell you about the loneliness that you would feel. The dread you feel. The pain you feel. The fear you feel. Nobody would tell you about that.

As days pass by, nobody would tell you that your soaking wet pillows would have collected so much tears by weeks time. And about the terrible depression that pulls you down to the bed. Or about the silent tears that fall down the side of your face when you are staring at the ceiling. No one would tell you about losing you appetite, or being bombarded with memories as you see the places or go to places where you once visited with him/her.

Then memories fill your head and you think maybe he/she will come back to you. You beg, whine, cry. Nothing happens. Nothing but you being kicked out or yelled at or in modern digital world: blocked and removed. The person that you have seen as your everything; your life, your breath, your smile, your purpose in life have turned into this cold, heartless, loveless, angry person that you have never seen before. You ask yourselves, all the whys and hows but there is no denying that the person you still hold on to have let you go a long time ago.

You sink into the reality that it’s over; but your heart so attached to this person, isn’t ready to accept the fact that its all over. You spend your nights scrolling through your pictures, listening to the songs that you called it as “ours”. You read all the sweet messages between you two. You keep hold of their clothes which still have their smell lingering on every thread. But deep inside, there is this pain. a form of physical pain that slowly engulfs a part of your chest. From within. You want to scream. So loud. Ask why. Your mind is chaotic. There is a storm happening in there and you are trying to keep your sanity. You cry. Cry yourselves to sleep.

This repeats, but the intensity is less. Sometimes you smile. Take baby steps. Your heart still broken. But as time passes, even though you sometimes go back to the lover you once had, you feel less pain when you see it or think about it. Slowly your heart becomes whole again. You can smile. You are somewhat OKAY. Okay enough to smile and laugh. Okay enough to sleep well at night.

Do you think i am not hurt?

Do you think i am not hurt when you act very thick headed?

Do you think i am not hurt when you refuse to  read my messages because they sound “stupid”? 

Do you think i am not hurt when i ask you every week with some hope that if u can call me and you always say no?

Do you think it doesn’t hurt for me to watch our old videos and voice notes so i can still see your smile and hear your voice?

Do you think i am not hurt when i cry myself to sleep thinking of how much i crave your love and i get nothing?

Do you think i am not hurt when you don’t even bother to ask me how my days was or if i have eaten?

Do you think i am not hurt when you keep telling me it is easy to leave me and that i am a burden to you?

Do you think i am not hurt when you dont want me as much as i want you?

Do you think i am not hurt by you at all? 

I am my dear loved one! 

But do you know why endure it? Even if it’s extremely painful?

Because i love you. 

But you know what’s more hurtful? When you pretend my love is invisible to you

When you are like i mean nothing to you

When you disregard my emotions.

Dear you, it hurts, teach me how to do what you do to me. so it will hurt less.

But again, do you think i am not hurt?