Who do you think you are?

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What right do you think you have for you to be missed by them?

What right do you think you have for you to open up your heart and soul to them?

What right do you think you have for you to even cross the thought of them liking you like the way you like them.

Who do you think you are?

You keep hearing things like, don’t expect anything from anyone, we are alone, i am running away from commitments of a relationship, then the worst; no strings attached please.

Who do you think you are for them to miss you?

You are just an outlet for their sexual frustration maybe. You are just a carrier of a genital.

What they will never know is, you are deeply hurt. You are always looking for love. You are hoping to be loved. What they will never know is there is a person behind all these sexual stuff. What they will never know is that she is very gentle and soft and wishes nothing but the best for the others. What they will never know is that she will rarely say NO, because she was brought up with the idea that saying NO is rude. Being rude is bad.Being bad is BAD.

What they will never know is she is caring and puts you before anything if given the opportunity. They will never know that she lives everyday in a lot of pain but hides it to keep the perfect funny bubbly image of hers.

She knows she will be just a talking topic.

She will fly like a feather, brushing one tree and another.

They will never know that she wants to be missed and loved too. Mostly, they will never know that sometimes all she needs is a meaningful long hug because it will crack the mask she wears proudly to show everyone that she is fine. But no one does that to a whore. Whores doesn’t deserve love. Whores can’t wish to missed or loved. What bullshit is that. Whores can’t ask to hug them.Because with the hugs whores gets, his hands will be in her pants. Whores can’t demand.

I am just waiting for January. To give another chance to myself. I am not a living sex toy. I am going to stop every bullshit that i am putting myself in.

She can’t tell anyone that she is at the lowest point in her life, but there are very few people who keeps her happy. There are few things that makes her smile.Why do i write all these in a public blog you might wonder. My audience doesn’t know me. I am just a girl who writes weird stuff.

with never ending hopes of finding love.

-ME

 

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Lipstick stains

Her lipstick stains were still on his heart it seems.

For every little thing she was ready to forgive. But it makes no point anymore. I know i have put up a post saying that he was going to get married. I guess he got caught up with his work. In a month (Jn 2018) he is going to India for his sister’s wedding. He said maybe the family is planning something for him. Why should I be worried. I have only seen myself with him for so long that the thought of him sitting on that mandapam in his white shirt and mundu, with the nadaswaram resonating in the hall freaks me out. What if when he ties that knot on her he stops for a second and thinks of me. Crazy! What if he regrets it for a split second.  Nadasawarams freak me out these days. I know one thing for sure, he still loves me somewhere, deep in his heart. But, we can’t be together. I cannot be an “obeying” wife. I can only be a “loving” wife. I will not be sorry for feeling my emotions. I am mentally preparing myself to handle his wedding news a little easier.

A friend once told me ” Don’t expect anything from anyone”., “We are all alone.” I take a step back and think of what I’ve been doing. I know im alone. I know it much better than anyone else. Dont expect anything from anyone. I care for people that i am close with a lot. A lot that they think im crazy. That’s my problem. I care. i expect 5% of it back and i get hurt

LIPSTICK STAINS

I want to leave that lipstick stain on his heart. I don’t know.

The only lipstick stains i want to leave now is on my future boyfriends cheeks. haha. i cant wait till 4 more weeks to remove some people from my life. i think he is stuck in the Silk Board, Bangalore traffic jam. he is taking so long to come to me.

 

No Strings Attached

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Sex used to be something that made me bind to the person that i am with. However, here, sex is nothing but something to get off to, I am horny so lets fuck kind of attitude. I always wondered how “no strings attached” concept works. Even strings attached is hard to process. What about NO STRINGS ATTACHED then. What if  you get feelings for the other person you know!? This then turns into unrequited love; which creates more pain. I am not saying this is what everyone feels but all i am trying to say is one of the party might end up catching some kind of feelings.

Now to what bothers me.

I have my own set of hookup stories. I am not proud of it. Sex used to be something very emotional for me, despite the kinnkiness of it. I go back to my abusive  ex when i think of it. I used to watch him sleep. So vulnerable, tired after great sex. It only made me love him more. For me, when someone cares a bit too much, i melt. I dont always get that kind of feelings from anyone. So when i finally find someone who actually cares for this psycho girl in a non parental way, i melt and fall in love.  The thing with friends with no strings attached is that they keep in touch to keep the chemistry going. They know if you stop talking, the chemistry is gone and then there is no next time. I realised this is the worst kind of time pass.

Not only that you are at risk, but these guys will only love you for your genitals than your heart. What the hell am i looking for? Someone who love my heart than my genitals. I am no sex object. I guess i am at one of the lowest points of my love life. The guys in india seems stuck up. The guys who showed interest in me, but when i confess i like them, they back off. I don’t know if its me or them. Is it my size? Maybe is personal commitments? Those who show some kind of affection turns out to be wanting sex at the end of the day.

Now who would want to love me anyways. I have destroyed myself. Maybe this was desperation. I don’t know. I crave to be touched , like a hug or holding hands or so. I crave some kind of affection. And then here i am having A FWB. It sucks. it really does. its about time i shut myself off again. Who cares if  im living the city life. i  will stay shut until im happy. i am ready to find love. but i am patiently waiting for it to come. and also,  no strings attached relationships are not for me.  i think what i am doing is that im trying to find him in everyone i meet (no i dont fuck everyone i meet) . thats all.

 

thats all folks

I dream of…

I used to dream of a life where i am happily looking outside a window, overlooking a water body, with gentle breeze brushing off my hair and me feeling tranquil as every strand of my hair slowly brushes against my skin. Currently , as my life have hit a huge break, that perfect future is long way down. 13117949_1734032700197019_1759514266_n.jpeg

But i am allowed to dream of simpler things. I am allowed to wish for simple things. I dream of going for a night drive on a wet, drizzly night, with slow piano music in the background, in my worn out car. Thinking about absolutely nothing but just savoring the empty streets that probably glowing yellow with the dim street lights. Just the slow, faint music, sound of the engine and the slow whizz of the air conditioner in the car if there is any.

I dream of being able to enjoy every sip of coffee i take, alone, taking in the subtle aroma of roasted coffee beans. Not feeling lonely, or jealous seeing another “couple” sitting opposite of me. Instead, i dream of being able to enjoy that loneliness, to enjoy in my presence. Listening to my own breathing, senses.

I dream of a day where i am able to go to a place where i can mentor someone. Where i can be there to listen, to be someone’s hope, when they have none.

I dream of being genuinely happy with myself; no not always, but at least most of the time.

He is getting married

After all the fiasco, i go the news that he is getting married in April or May. i remember seeing the message and freezing instantly. it was my aaro that was getting married soon. i still haven’t digested the fact that the man i loved with every fiber of my being, is getting married to someone else. how could he move on so quick? doesnt it mean what we had for 2 and a half years was seemingly meaningless? it hurts like you are being burnt alive. but i hide the pain and give out a smile, for i have told everyone that i have moved on. i hope he will be happy. i only wish him the best.

 

dear aaro, you were my everything, you still are. but now you are going to be a married man soon. take care of yourself and her. bye

 

#iwishicoulddisappear

Healing from a Heartbreak is a slow process

Love is a choice.

It’s an emotion.

Its a feeling.

It’s a decision.

It’s heaven.

It’s Sacrifice.

It’s godly.

It’s happiness.

There are so many wonderful words to describe the feeling called love. But what about heartbreak? Not just a heartbreak, what is that feeling you feel when someone you cared about deeply, some whom you loved truly, lets you go? What is that feeling?

Nobody would then tell you about the initial confusion that you go through. Did he/she do anything? Did i say something wrong? Did i do something wrong? As time passes, no body would tell you about the loneliness that you would feel. The dread you feel. The pain you feel. The fear you feel. Nobody would tell you about that.

As days pass by, nobody would tell you that your soaking wet pillows would have collected so much tears by weeks time. And about the terrible depression that pulls you down to the bed. Or about the silent tears that fall down the side of your face when you are staring at the ceiling. No one would tell you about losing you appetite, or being bombarded with memories as you see the places or go to places where you once visited with him/her.

Then memories fill your head and you think maybe he/she will come back to you. You beg, whine, cry. Nothing happens. Nothing but you being kicked out or yelled at or in modern digital world: blocked and removed. The person that you have seen as your everything; your life, your breath, your smile, your purpose in life have turned into this cold, heartless, loveless, angry person that you have never seen before. You ask yourselves, all the whys and hows but there is no denying that the person you still hold on to have let you go a long time ago.

You sink into the reality that it’s over; but your heart so attached to this person, isn’t ready to accept the fact that its all over. You spend your nights scrolling through your pictures, listening to the songs that you called it as “ours”. You read all the sweet messages between you two. You keep hold of their clothes which still have their smell lingering on every thread. But deep inside, there is this pain. a form of physical pain that slowly engulfs a part of your chest. From within. You want to scream. So loud. Ask why. Your mind is chaotic. There is a storm happening in there and you are trying to keep your sanity. You cry. Cry yourselves to sleep.

This repeats, but the intensity is less. Sometimes you smile. Take baby steps. Your heart still broken. But as time passes, even though you sometimes go back to the lover you once had, you feel less pain when you see it or think about it. Slowly your heart becomes whole again. You can smile. You are somewhat OKAY. Okay enough to smile and laugh. Okay enough to sleep well at night.

Do you think i am not hurt?

Do you think i am not hurt when you act very thick headed?

Do you think i am not hurt when you refuse to  read my messages because they sound “stupid”? 

Do you think i am not hurt when i ask you every week with some hope that if u can call me and you always say no?

Do you think it doesn’t hurt for me to watch our old videos and voice notes so i can still see your smile and hear your voice?

Do you think i am not hurt when i cry myself to sleep thinking of how much i crave your love and i get nothing?

Do you think i am not hurt when you don’t even bother to ask me how my days was or if i have eaten?

Do you think i am not hurt when you keep telling me it is easy to leave me and that i am a burden to you?

Do you think i am not hurt when you dont want me as much as i want you?

Do you think i am not hurt by you at all? 

I am my dear loved one! 

But do you know why endure it? Even if it’s extremely painful?

Because i love you. 

But you know what’s more hurtful? When you pretend my love is invisible to you

When you are like i mean nothing to you

When you disregard my emotions.

Dear you, it hurts, teach me how to do what you do to me. so it will hurt less.

But again, do you think i am not hurt?