I dream of…

I used to dream of a life where i am happily looking outside a window, overlooking a water body, with gentle breeze brushing off my hair and me feeling tranquil as every strand of my hair slowly brushes against my skin. Currently , as my life have hit a huge break, that perfect future is long way down. 13117949_1734032700197019_1759514266_n.jpeg

But i am allowed to dream of simpler things. I am allowed to wish for simple things. I dream of going for a night drive on a wet, drizzly night, with slow piano music in the background, in my worn out car. Thinking about absolutely nothing but just savoring the empty streets that probably glowing yellow with the dim street lights. Just the slow, faint music, sound of the engine and the slow whizz of the air conditioner in the car if there is any.

I dream of being able to enjoy every sip of coffee i take, alone, taking in the subtle aroma of roasted coffee beans. Not feeling lonely, or jealous seeing another “couple” sitting opposite of me. Instead, i dream of being able to enjoy that loneliness, to enjoy in my presence. Listening to my own breathing, senses.

I dream of a day where i am able to go to a place where i can mentor someone. Where i can be there to listen, to be someone’s hope, when they have none.

I dream of being genuinely happy with myself; no not always, but at least most of the time.

He is getting married

After all the fiasco, i go the news that he is getting married in April or May. i remember seeing the message and freezing instantly. it was my aaro that was getting married soon. i still haven’t digested the fact that the man i loved with every fiber of my being, is getting married to someone else. how could he move on so quick? doesnt it mean what we had for 2 and a half years was seemingly meaningless? it hurts like you are being burnt alive. but i hide the pain and give out a smile, for i have told everyone that i have moved on. i hope he will be happy. i only wish him the best.

 

dear aaro, you were my everything, you still are. but now you are going to be a married man soon. take care of yourself and her. bye

 

#iwishicoulddisappear

My Depression

My Depression is a shape shifter. One day it is small; barely noticeable, whereas other days it stands right in front of me; bright and colourful. On those days its bright and colourful, i get blinded to a point that i am oblivious, lost and scared of everything around me. The bad days are my heavier days. From the moment i open my eyes, its like something is pulling me so close to the bed. I would keep checking the time and it would be going so slow. Tears roll down every damn day, and i immediately wipe it off before it reaches my cheek. The “Me” that everyone knows is not the real me.  There are days when i cry for hours, sometimes 2 ,sometimes 6.  there are days when i don’t eat. there are days that i binge so much that at the end of the day all i want to do is vomit. the moment i see someone, it turns into this bubbly cheer. happy smiles. but this depression have taken away the best of me. i have lost someone that i really love to this. that person got fooled by what my depression did. it wasn’t me. it was my depression.

there are days when anxiety creeps on me every other night. nightmares. wake up once, wake up twice and before i know it, its 8 in the morning and i got 3 hours of sleep. yet i put on a big smile and walk out. some nights the anxiety wraps me around, traps me and chokes me. chokes me so bad that i think i am going to die. the following morning i still lie on my bed from the tiredness, sore eyes, painful chest. i pull myself up and put on that happy face.

there are nights when alcohol becomes my best friend. there are nights where i crumble and tremble. i am tired but please know, i am trying to get better. i am trying to escape. i am really trying to escape from this demon called depression

it’s not anyone else’s fault. it is not my fault. its just my fate.

I am not going to lie

I am not going to lie, but sometimes i really do miss his body against mine. He had a very special smell that i always loved. It was not his perfume, but it was his own body. His body would be so gently against mine, yet i could feel his manliness penetrating through every fiber of me. i miss the way he used to hold me tight. i miss his kisses. i miss the tension and his breath against my ears. i miss it not in a perverted way, but rather in an emotional way. i miss you so much bee. when can i ever hear your voice again?

Healing from a Heartbreak is a slow process

Love is a choice.

It’s an emotion.

Its a feeling.

It’s a decision.

It’s heaven.

It’s Sacrifice.

It’s godly.

It’s happiness.

There are so many wonderful words to describe the feeling called love. But what about heartbreak? Not just a heartbreak, what is that feeling you feel when someone you cared about deeply, some whom you loved truly, lets you go? What is that feeling?

Nobody would then tell you about the initial confusion that you go through. Did he/she do anything? Did i say something wrong? Did i do something wrong? As time passes, no body would tell you about the loneliness that you would feel. The dread you feel. The pain you feel. The fear you feel. Nobody would tell you about that.

As days pass by, nobody would tell you that your soaking wet pillows would have collected so much tears by weeks time. And about the terrible depression that pulls you down to the bed. Or about the silent tears that fall down the side of your face when you are staring at the ceiling. No one would tell you about losing you appetite, or being bombarded with memories as you see the places or go to places where you once visited with him/her.

Then memories fill your head and you think maybe he/she will come back to you. You beg, whine, cry. Nothing happens. Nothing but you being kicked out or yelled at or in modern digital world: blocked and removed. The person that you have seen as your everything; your life, your breath, your smile, your purpose in life have turned into this cold, heartless, loveless, angry person that you have never seen before. You ask yourselves, all the whys and hows but there is no denying that the person you still hold on to have let you go a long time ago.

You sink into the reality that it’s over; but your heart so attached to this person, isn’t ready to accept the fact that its all over. You spend your nights scrolling through your pictures, listening to the songs that you called it as “ours”. You read all the sweet messages between you two. You keep hold of their clothes which still have their smell lingering on every thread. But deep inside, there is this pain. a form of physical pain that slowly engulfs a part of your chest. From within. You want to scream. So loud. Ask why. Your mind is chaotic. There is a storm happening in there and you are trying to keep your sanity. You cry. Cry yourselves to sleep.

This repeats, but the intensity is less. Sometimes you smile. Take baby steps. Your heart still broken. But as time passes, even though you sometimes go back to the lover you once had, you feel less pain when you see it or think about it. Slowly your heart becomes whole again. You can smile. You are somewhat OKAY. Okay enough to smile and laugh. Okay enough to sleep well at night.