Spiraling down again

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2 years ago, i remember i used to go workout every single day. However, i was severely depressed because of a break up that i was going through. There used to be days when depression would win. Let me tell you though, working out was my zen time. Running that one extra minute. Lifting that extra 2 kgs, Doing one extra rep, all was gave me a boost. However, it all would come crashing down the second i am back in my room. I used to cry for hours and still wipe my face and find the energy to go workout. Just like how love was a drug to me, working out and the adrenaline was a drug too. I remember my days wake up-class-home-eat-work out-sleep- repeat. I was mostly at home. On better days, i used to go to starbucks and give myself a little treat of my favorite caramel frappucino. But there were also days where lunch and dinner was vodka. Sometimes evening tea (aka vodka), sometimes midnight snack. When i think of it all now, i was a wreck. I remember crying without a stop for hours and then getting up to pee. I never bothered drinking enough water other than at gym. Now the feelings are coming back. I really wanted my 2018 to start well. I really hoped, but i think that wont happen.

I recently got rejected. Funny when i think about it. I used to be the girl that was never out of love. I guess it only made me have so much to give. Suddenly, when rejections started happening. i started crumbling. it feels honestly like a break up. in this case, the pain is masked by being cute. i swear to god it hurts every time i leave his place. shit happens. Last year this time, i was on my revival trip to Langkawi with my bestie. By dec last year, i had come a long way. it was a trip to forget his memories. I went to many of the places that me and him went together.

Now i see myself being lost again because of problems at home, stress, rejections, hopelessness. In front of everyone, i am so fucking happy that i cant be contained. People envy. i wouldn’t wish my life on anyone. its like as if i open my legs and my problems are gone. they get what they want atleast, thus i do what i do best even in my sadness; make people happy. i am spiraling down with no help. This is why,my new year resolution is to be happy.

ONE LAST THING. i have never cried a single tear in the past few months, because i bottle everything up. trust me, i used to be the girl who used to cry seeing a road accident, then i built up this huge wall and told myself i will never cry again, for anything, or anyone. there were times when i just want to fall on the ground and cry my heart would clench but i never shed a tear. but tonight i will cry my heart out. i will be crying out everything that i have been holding in for so long. For real, i am hoping for a better 2018 despite all the let down in my life.

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final few posts

I am not new to being rejected. But i am new to being rejected so many times in a short period of time that, i question if what i am doing is even logical. As i mentioned in my previous post, I am waiting till January to start anew. Call it a new year resolution. I wanted to only keep people who are near and dear to me, but turns out some people doesnt want to be that. This same feeling i had last year, when i was still healing from my break up. Expect less of sad blog posts. Maybe more happier posts awaits in the future. It has come to a point where people say dont be shokam all the time. i am not . its just that shit happens. i am looking forward to see what 2018 has to offer me. 2017 was very laid back yet full of surprises. i hope to find love in 2018. i hope to be a little happier in 2018. i hope to be a better me in 2018.

Who do you think you are?

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What right do you think you have for you to be missed by them?

What right do you think you have for you to open up your heart and soul to them?

What right do you think you have for you to even cross the thought of them liking you like the way you like them.

Who do you think you are?

You keep hearing things like, don’t expect anything from anyone, we are alone, i am running away from commitments of a relationship, then the worst; no strings attached please.

Who do you think you are for them to miss you?

You are just an outlet for their sexual frustration maybe. You are just a carrier of a genital.

What they will never know is, you are deeply hurt. You are always looking for love. You are hoping to be loved. What they will never know is there is a person behind all these sexual stuff. What they will never know is that she is very gentle and soft and wishes nothing but the best for the others. What they will never know is that she will rarely say NO, because she was brought up with the idea that saying NO is rude. Being rude is bad.Being bad is BAD.

What they will never know is she is caring and puts you before anything if given the opportunity. They will never know that she lives everyday in a lot of pain but hides it to keep the perfect funny bubbly image of hers.

She knows she will be just a talking topic.

She will fly like a feather, brushing one tree and another.

They will never know that she wants to be missed and loved too. Mostly, they will never know that sometimes all she needs is a meaningful long hug because it will crack the mask she wears proudly to show everyone that she is fine. But no one does that to a whore. Whores doesn’t deserve love. Whores can’t wish to missed or loved. What bullshit is that. Whores can’t ask to hug them.Because with the hugs whores gets, his hands will be in her pants. Whores can’t demand.

I am just waiting for January. To give another chance to myself. I am not a living sex toy. I am going to stop every bullshit that i am putting myself in.

She can’t tell anyone that she is at the lowest point in her life, but there are very few people who keeps her happy. There are few things that makes her smile.Why do i write all these in a public blog you might wonder. My audience doesn’t know me. I am just a girl who writes weird stuff.

with never ending hopes of finding love.

-ME

 

Lipstick stains

Her lipstick stains were still on his heart it seems.

For every little thing she was ready to forgive. But it makes no point anymore. I know i have put up a post saying that he was going to get married. I guess he got caught up with his work. In a month (Jn 2018) he is going to India for his sister’s wedding. He said maybe the family is planning something for him. Why should I be worried. I have only seen myself with him for so long that the thought of him sitting on that mandapam in his white shirt and mundu, with the nadaswaram resonating in the hall freaks me out. What if when he ties that knot on her he stops for a second and thinks of me. Crazy! What if he regrets it for a split second.  Nadasawarams freak me out these days. I know one thing for sure, he still loves me somewhere, deep in his heart. But, we can’t be together. I cannot be an “obeying” wife. I can only be a “loving” wife. I will not be sorry for feeling my emotions. I am mentally preparing myself to handle his wedding news a little easier.

A friend once told me ” Don’t expect anything from anyone”., “We are all alone.” I take a step back and think of what I’ve been doing. I know im alone. I know it much better than anyone else. Dont expect anything from anyone. I care for people that i am close with a lot. A lot that they think im crazy. That’s my problem. I care. i expect 5% of it back and i get hurt

LIPSTICK STAINS

I want to leave that lipstick stain on his heart. I don’t know.

The only lipstick stains i want to leave now is on my future boyfriends cheeks. haha. i cant wait till 4 more weeks to remove some people from my life. i think he is stuck in the Silk Board, Bangalore traffic jam. he is taking so long to come to me.

 

No strings attached-EMOTIONLESS

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Here, people “love” without any real feelings. Emotionless. Tinder works only for hookups here. It’s a lie that people say “some guys only want to be friends”. Doesn’t sound like it though because most of them are finding excuses to take you bed. I don’t hate men. I just hate their nerves to act so friendly and then once they take them to bed, they are able to let go of the girl without a thing. i dont know . Then their excuse is like “Uh, i am an asshole”, “uh please . no strings attached please”; especially when the girl makes it clear that she isn’t looking for hook ups. She hopes that he would really love.

Her world crashes down as he says “no strings attached”. She smiles through the sheer pleasure and pain of his manhood entering her. But he doesnt have to know that he also managed to crush her heart. She wakes up the next morning, with stomach still hurting from him fucking her. She gives him a smile, cuddles a bit and prepares to leave. Her heart now wounded from yesterdays words. For her, every time she hears this, its another story of rejection. As she stares into herself in the mirror of another guy’s home, she is more disgusted than happy.  The thoughts run wild.  A perfect example of EXPECTATIONS Vs REALITY.

EXPECTATIONS; She wakes up, wraps herself with the blanket where he brushes her hair back behind her ears and gives her a kiss on the nose. She looks deep into his eyes smiling widely as ever, her heart filled with so much joy, she just buries herself into his chest. HUG.

REALITY; She wakes up, stares at the ceiling for a good 5 minutes before checking her phone for the time. Its 830 am, Her stomach hurts from yesterday night. His arms still on her. She tries to not make a noise and browses facebook for the next 30 mins where he slowly wakes up. He asks what she wants for breakfast, she doesnt know. They go to a restaurant, in his super bike and he drops her off. done deal. fuck her. feed her. send her back home. repeat.

She washes off yesterday night from her skin. Pops a pill despite her irregular hormones to stop any chance of pregnancy. she is tired. she goes to sleep; hoping to find love elsewhere, but keeps lying to herself that love will come to her and she wont go looking for love.

 

 

the end.

No Strings Attached

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Sex used to be something that made me bind to the person that i am with. However, here, sex is nothing but something to get off to, I am horny so lets fuck kind of attitude. I always wondered how “no strings attached” concept works. Even strings attached is hard to process. What about NO STRINGS ATTACHED then. What if  you get feelings for the other person you know!? This then turns into unrequited love; which creates more pain. I am not saying this is what everyone feels but all i am trying to say is one of the party might end up catching some kind of feelings.

Now to what bothers me.

I have my own set of hookup stories. I am not proud of it. Sex used to be something very emotional for me, despite the kinnkiness of it. I go back to my abusive  ex when i think of it. I used to watch him sleep. So vulnerable, tired after great sex. It only made me love him more. For me, when someone cares a bit too much, i melt. I dont always get that kind of feelings from anyone. So when i finally find someone who actually cares for this psycho girl in a non parental way, i melt and fall in love.  The thing with friends with no strings attached is that they keep in touch to keep the chemistry going. They know if you stop talking, the chemistry is gone and then there is no next time. I realised this is the worst kind of time pass.

Not only that you are at risk, but these guys will only love you for your genitals than your heart. What the hell am i looking for? Someone who love my heart than my genitals. I am no sex object. I guess i am at one of the lowest points of my love life. The guys in india seems stuck up. The guys who showed interest in me, but when i confess i like them, they back off. I don’t know if its me or them. Is it my size? Maybe is personal commitments? Those who show some kind of affection turns out to be wanting sex at the end of the day.

Now who would want to love me anyways. I have destroyed myself. Maybe this was desperation. I don’t know. I crave to be touched , like a hug or holding hands or so. I crave some kind of affection. And then here i am having A FWB. It sucks. it really does. its about time i shut myself off again. Who cares if  im living the city life. i  will stay shut until im happy. i am ready to find love. but i am patiently waiting for it to come. and also,  no strings attached relationships are not for me.  i think what i am doing is that im trying to find him in everyone i meet (no i dont fuck everyone i meet) . thats all.

 

thats all folks

To my dearest crush

Dear crush,

I don’t care if you dont love me, but i would have been the happiest girl in the planet if you had just said YES. I know we can’t go any further in the situation that we are in right now. I now don’t expect anything in return. My feelings for you is sincere. The most important thing was that i loved you, even from a distance. I loved you every single time, you were too busy to see or take my hints.

I wish the best for you and may God help you in whatever you are struggling with. Sorry that i can’t help much. May you find all the joy you are looking for. My last word from me since we probably wont see each other again, because you broke my heart. Not as badly as the others. I don’t take rejections well. I loved you for your personality. Not your your looks. Not your money. Not your anything else. I loved you for you.  I only had love to give you. I just wanted to love you.

 

You dont have to fanzone, friendzone me. I won’t mention you in my blogs anymore.  I am sorry that i wanted you. I AM SORRY THAT I THOUGHT THAT I COULD BE YOURS.

 

Sincerely,

That girl who had the biggest crush on you