final few posts

I am not new to being rejected. But i am new to being rejected so many times in a short period of time that, i question if what i am doing is even logical. As i mentioned in my previous post, I am waiting till January to start anew. Call it a new year resolution. I wanted to only keep people who are near and dear to me, but turns out some people doesnt want to be that. This same feeling i had last year, when i was still healing from my break up. Expect less of sad blog posts. Maybe more happier posts awaits in the future. It has come to a point where people say dont be shokam all the time. i am not . its just that shit happens. i am looking forward to see what 2018 has to offer me. 2017 was very laid back yet full of surprises. i hope to find love in 2018. i hope to be a little happier in 2018. i hope to be a better me in 2018.

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Who do you think you are?

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What right do you think you have for you to be missed by them?

What right do you think you have for you to open up your heart and soul to them?

What right do you think you have for you to even cross the thought of them liking you like the way you like them.

Who do you think you are?

You keep hearing things like, don’t expect anything from anyone, we are alone, i am running away from commitments of a relationship, then the worst; no strings attached please.

Who do you think you are for them to miss you?

You are just an outlet for their sexual frustration maybe. You are just a carrier of a genital.

What they will never know is, you are deeply hurt. You are always looking for love. You are hoping to be loved. What they will never know is there is a person behind all these sexual stuff. What they will never know is that she is very gentle and soft and wishes nothing but the best for the others. What they will never know is that she will rarely say NO, because she was brought up with the idea that saying NO is rude. Being rude is bad.Being bad is BAD.

What they will never know is she is caring and puts you before anything if given the opportunity. They will never know that she lives everyday in a lot of pain but hides it to keep the perfect funny bubbly image of hers.

She knows she will be just a talking topic.

She will fly like a feather, brushing one tree and another.

They will never know that she wants to be missed and loved too. Mostly, they will never know that sometimes all she needs is a meaningful long hug because it will crack the mask she wears proudly to show everyone that she is fine. But no one does that to a whore. Whores doesn’t deserve love. Whores can’t wish to missed or loved. What bullshit is that. Whores can’t ask to hug them.Because with the hugs whores gets, his hands will be in her pants. Whores can’t demand.

I am just waiting for January. To give another chance to myself. I am not a living sex toy. I am going to stop every bullshit that i am putting myself in.

She can’t tell anyone that she is at the lowest point in her life, but there are very few people who keeps her happy. There are few things that makes her smile.Why do i write all these in a public blog you might wonder. My audience doesn’t know me. I am just a girl who writes weird stuff.

with never ending hopes of finding love.

-ME

 

Lipstick stains

Her lipstick stains were still on his heart it seems.

For every little thing she was ready to forgive. But it makes no point anymore. I know i have put up a post saying that he was going to get married. I guess he got caught up with his work. In a month (Jn 2018) he is going to India for his sister’s wedding. He said maybe the family is planning something for him. Why should I be worried. I have only seen myself with him for so long that the thought of him sitting on that mandapam in his white shirt and mundu, with the nadaswaram resonating in the hall freaks me out. What if when he ties that knot on her he stops for a second and thinks of me. Crazy! What if he regrets it for a split second.  Nadasawarams freak me out these days. I know one thing for sure, he still loves me somewhere, deep in his heart. But, we can’t be together. I cannot be an “obeying” wife. I can only be a “loving” wife. I will not be sorry for feeling my emotions. I am mentally preparing myself to handle his wedding news a little easier.

A friend once told me ” Don’t expect anything from anyone”., “We are all alone.” I take a step back and think of what I’ve been doing. I know im alone. I know it much better than anyone else. Dont expect anything from anyone. I care for people that i am close with a lot. A lot that they think im crazy. That’s my problem. I care. i expect 5% of it back and i get hurt

LIPSTICK STAINS

I want to leave that lipstick stain on his heart. I don’t know.

The only lipstick stains i want to leave now is on my future boyfriends cheeks. haha. i cant wait till 4 more weeks to remove some people from my life. i think he is stuck in the Silk Board, Bangalore traffic jam. he is taking so long to come to me.

 

No strings attached-EMOTIONLESS

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Here, people “love” without any real feelings. Emotionless. Tinder works only for hookups here. It’s a lie that people say “some guys only want to be friends”. Doesn’t sound like it though because most of them are finding excuses to take you bed. I don’t hate men. I just hate their nerves to act so friendly and then once they take them to bed, they are able to let go of the girl without a thing. i dont know . Then their excuse is like “Uh, i am an asshole”, “uh please . no strings attached please”; especially when the girl makes it clear that she isn’t looking for hook ups. She hopes that he would really love.

Her world crashes down as he says “no strings attached”. She smiles through the sheer pleasure and pain of his manhood entering her. But he doesnt have to know that he also managed to crush her heart. She wakes up the next morning, with stomach still hurting from him fucking her. She gives him a smile, cuddles a bit and prepares to leave. Her heart now wounded from yesterdays words. For her, every time she hears this, its another story of rejection. As she stares into herself in the mirror of another guy’s home, she is more disgusted than happy.  The thoughts run wild.  A perfect example of EXPECTATIONS Vs REALITY.

EXPECTATIONS; She wakes up, wraps herself with the blanket where he brushes her hair back behind her ears and gives her a kiss on the nose. She looks deep into his eyes smiling widely as ever, her heart filled with so much joy, she just buries herself into his chest. HUG.

REALITY; She wakes up, stares at the ceiling for a good 5 minutes before checking her phone for the time. Its 830 am, Her stomach hurts from yesterday night. His arms still on her. She tries to not make a noise and browses facebook for the next 30 mins where he slowly wakes up. He asks what she wants for breakfast, she doesnt know. They go to a restaurant, in his super bike and he drops her off. done deal. fuck her. feed her. send her back home. repeat.

She washes off yesterday night from her skin. Pops a pill despite her irregular hormones to stop any chance of pregnancy. she is tired. she goes to sleep; hoping to find love elsewhere, but keeps lying to herself that love will come to her and she wont go looking for love.

 

 

the end.

Escape to Bangalore (Week 2)

In the second week here,  I honestly was getting a little more lonelier and such day by day. However something interesting kept happening. It rained EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! One of the days the rains were so bad that the road in front of my office space literally became like a river. Well, that was just one of the many roads that were turned into a river. It used to get unbelievably cold in the morning. At least for someone who comes from the tropical countries, this cold was unusual. I somewhat hated it. 

Also, i met few of my acquainted friends and my bestie Sruthy. Sruthy was my classmate in university. sister from another mother. We went out to the nearby mall and chilled out. I never thought i would see her again in my entire life but ah life makes you do crazy things. At work, I was getting a little more acceptance and recognition than last week. There is a word that goes here and its like, there are gangs. You have to be here for years or months for you to be accepted into a gang. Once you are in the gang, you are not allowed to leave or switch gangs. Crazy right! Well, i am not here to make gangs. Heck i dont even want to keep friends here. While i was working in Brunei, my work ethic was something like “you are my friend from 8 am to 5 pm.” I keep the same here. I will mingle with you from 630 am to 330pm.  

That weekend was deepavali. I went to Commercial Street. This was 10x bigger than Pasar Seni in Malaysia. I was so happy i went there all alone exploring. Walked a lot that day to be honest! Through the sides of cubbon park. i couldn’t go in because it was kinda dark and late anyways. one thing for sure, i cant wait to go to commercial again and next time, i might even go to cubbon park, if i get to go early. On the way back, i met up with Shabs (probably my most favorite part of the day). I swear i love his jokes where he sees a fancy car and says “Oh i just lend it for a day, have to collect it tomorrow“. Every time he cracks that joke and every time i see a fancy car when i am alone, i think to myself ” hmmm, shabin must have lend it to them”. 

Deepavali here is grand. Non stop fireworks and sales and what not. I enjoy watching fireworks from a distance. I like that i am here for this celebration. I feel blessed that i got to see the Deepavali celebrations from Malaysia and India now. I really hope i will have an opportunity to celebrate many more celebrations.  The fireworks that night lasted till around 12 am.  i had work the next day so it was difficult to sleep.  But i do hope that i will be here next year to celebrate another deepavali here, who knows with a lucky someone. 

(to be continued)

Escape to Bangalore (Week 1)

Week 1 here and my brain was still finding it difficult to calibrate myself to the shift to Bangalore. This time, i could feel the overwhelming feelings creeping in. However, i wasn’t new to this kind of feeling because I have felt similar feelings when i was Kuala Lumpur for the first time. Work was again very monotonous since i am a new joiner and i had hella lots of things to learn. How the hell can a psychologist survive in a finance field!? Life makes you do crazy things. 

Another thing that i have to highlight is that i was very aware of my easy access to alcohol. Unlike in kerala where it looks awkward for a lady to stand in line and buy alcohol, here it was like how its in malaysia; you just walk in and buy. Therefore, on the first week, i bought my first bottle of alcohol. I bought Old Monk. 

The first time i had Old Monk was when i was in BruLand. One of my dad’s friend bought it from Bangalore itself. On my first sip of it, I fell in love with it. Since it’s not available anywhere else, i had to patiently wait until some kind soul decided to buy it and bring it back.  I honestly didn’t wait till it was night or anything to open the bottle. I rushed home and had my first sip of Old monk again after nearly a year. God! it tasted like chocolate to me. Sweet Sweet chocolate. 

That weekend Shabs and I went out. I really enjoy his company. (Again, more on this on some other post) . We went to Koramangala Forum Mall. Apparently, its one of the well known malls here. There were so many people! Having seen a plethora of people, we headed off to truffles. I am not even gonna lie, they have huge portion sizes, but the price is good. We then headed out for drinks in Jimis beer cafe. The beers here are strong. I met a friend of Shabs; Praveen and his girlfriend (?). She was very sweet. That stupid beer made me super tipsy but NOT drunk. Funny enough, for my uber on the way back, barely being able to keep my eyes open, i realised we are going on the wrong way. Not knowing Hindi and all, i somehow managed to tell the dude that the location is wrong. I open up my google maps and show him the way. Thus i will say happily, thanks to Shabs, my first weekend in BLR was fantastic. 

The following week, i slowly started making friends at work. As in, people started talking to me. I still dont know how to approach my seniors and all. More on my work and stuff on the next post because the following week i saw a road turn into a river. 

(to be continued)

I had one chance to escape. Journey to Bangalore

Thus i left my safe haven, from the comfort of my parents, my car, my pets, my always fast wifi etc. Basically i was blessed to have everything that i pretty much needed in my life for that moment. Heck, i even had a part time job as a psychologist. I was somewhat living life, but i always was unhappy because i never felt a sense of belonging. I was always a foreigner, bound by a visa, locked in with a valid passport. I always had the longing to go back to India. My friends from India did keep suggesting that its a bad idea, but they never got plucked out of their once loving home for the next 10 years. They have always been here. My 2-3 weeks vacation in India was never enough, because before i get to immerse myself into being Indian, its time for me to leave. Clutching the  copious amount of Vanitha magazines and Hair oils, I always used to stare out into the skies that was zooming out right before my eyes. All my intention was just to absorb the last glimpses of the place i call home before it is engulfed by the puffy clouds.

 

I would say, after I finished my university, i was hoping to get a job in India. Anywhere in  a Kerala city was my goal. Be it Trivandrum, Cochin, or whatever. I kept applying every single day. Kept checking my naukri and the 10000 different job portal sites that i have signed up for. No luck was upon me as i was abroad. I never however stopped trying.

Then I realised my passport only have 3 more pages, which limits my chances of travelling off to anywhere. We tried everything to do it from outside itself, but was told that passport extension is better to be done in the home country. Then I knew, this is when I leave . This is my chance to leave. I leave on 9th August and on the second week i head out to Cochin for job hunting. Going out alone in a city for job hunting for the first time was one of the most memorable yet empowering moments in my life I would say. I survived solely on Munch chocolates, cream biscuits, and water. Not because i didn’t have money, but for some reason, feeding myself was not my priority.

On the 4th day of my job hunting venture, i get a call from a company in Bangalore saying that they saw my profile in naukri and offered me a job. I was on the way to Aster Medcity that day. Anyway, i told them, i will call back after i think about it. I was shaking of disbelief and shock. I informed my parents and we had a discussion. I was adamant that i wanted it though its not my field, because this is my one chance to lock myself in India, at least for a while. This was my make it or break it. This was the one and only chance i got/had. I took up the job offer and after a lot of running around here and there to settle the paper works and legal procedure, i hop on my night time train to Bangalore, this time, leaving behind another place i call home. 8 hours later, i reach the ever famous Bengaluru. I breathed in the different air, and said to myself, this is my home now. Get ready

 

(to be continued)