My Depression

My Depression is a shape shifter. One day it is small; barely noticeable, whereas other days it stands right in front of me; bright and colourful. On those days its bright and colourful, i get blinded to a point that i am oblivious, lost and scared of everything around me. The bad days are my heavier days. From the moment i open my eyes, its like something is pulling me so close to the bed. I would keep checking the time and it would be going so slow. Tears roll down every damn day, and i immediately wipe it off before it reaches my cheek. The “Me” that everyone knows is not the real me.  There are days when i cry for hours, sometimes 2 ,sometimes 6.  there are days when i don’t eat. there are days that i binge so much that at the end of the day all i want to do is vomit. the moment i see someone, it turns into this bubbly cheer. happy smiles. but this depression have taken away the best of me. i have lost someone that i really love to this. that person got fooled by what my depression did. it wasn’t me. it was my depression.

there are days when anxiety creeps on me every other night. nightmares. wake up once, wake up twice and before i know it, its 8 in the morning and i got 3 hours of sleep. yet i put on a big smile and walk out. some nights the anxiety wraps me around, traps me and chokes me. chokes me so bad that i think i am going to die. the following morning i still lie on my bed from the tiredness, sore eyes, painful chest. i pull myself up and put on that happy face.

there are nights when alcohol becomes my best friend. there are nights where i crumble and tremble. i am tired but please know, i am trying to get better. i am trying to escape. i am really trying to escape from this demon called depression

it’s not anyone else’s fault. it is not my fault. its just my fate.

Enduring

We reconciled and my heart was lighter again.  I forgot about the pain. I started smiling. But deep inside me, i always had this voice that kept telling me that you are doing this so that i would annoy you less, so that i wouldn’t come and disturb you or nag you or beg to you anymore. Something was telling me that this is temporary. I noticed how reluctant you are when you don’t say a simple I love you back to me. I knew you have to feel it to say it. You have to say when you mean it. But, the mere fact that i dont get them back even though i say it in the most sweetest and nicest way possible, tells me that, maybe you dont love me for real at all anymore again. But i am not letting go yet. I am not going to give up, because enduring all these could be one step closer to you understanding me, or loving me.