He is getting married

After all the fiasco, i go the news that he is getting married in April or May. i remember seeing the message and freezing instantly. it was my aaro that was getting married soon. i still haven’t digested the fact that the man i loved with every fiber of my being, is getting married to someone else. how could he move on so quick? doesnt it mean what we had for 2 and a half years was seemingly meaningless? it hurts like you are being burnt alive. but i hide the pain and give out a smile, for i have told everyone that i have moved on. i hope he will be happy. i only wish him the best.

 

dear aaro, you were my everything, you still are. but now you are going to be a married man soon. take care of yourself and her. bye

 

#iwishicoulddisappear

Healing from a Heartbreak is a slow process

Love is a choice.

It’s an emotion.

Its a feeling.

It’s a decision.

It’s heaven.

It’s Sacrifice.

It’s godly.

It’s happiness.

There are so many wonderful words to describe the feeling called love. But what about heartbreak? Not just a heartbreak, what is that feeling you feel when someone you cared about deeply, some whom you loved truly, lets you go? What is that feeling?

Nobody would then tell you about the initial confusion that you go through. Did he/she do anything? Did i say something wrong? Did i do something wrong? As time passes, no body would tell you about the loneliness that you would feel. The dread you feel. The pain you feel. The fear you feel. Nobody would tell you about that.

As days pass by, nobody would tell you that your soaking wet pillows would have collected so much tears by weeks time. And about the terrible depression that pulls you down to the bed. Or about the silent tears that fall down the side of your face when you are staring at the ceiling. No one would tell you about losing you appetite, or being bombarded with memories as you see the places or go to places where you once visited with him/her.

Then memories fill your head and you think maybe he/she will come back to you. You beg, whine, cry. Nothing happens. Nothing but you being kicked out or yelled at or in modern digital world: blocked and removed. The person that you have seen as your everything; your life, your breath, your smile, your purpose in life have turned into this cold, heartless, loveless, angry person that you have never seen before. You ask yourselves, all the whys and hows but there is no denying that the person you still hold on to have let you go a long time ago.

You sink into the reality that it’s over; but your heart so attached to this person, isn’t ready to accept the fact that its all over. You spend your nights scrolling through your pictures, listening to the songs that you called it as “ours”. You read all the sweet messages between you two. You keep hold of their clothes which still have their smell lingering on every thread. But deep inside, there is this pain. a form of physical pain that slowly engulfs a part of your chest. From within. You want to scream. So loud. Ask why. Your mind is chaotic. There is a storm happening in there and you are trying to keep your sanity. You cry. Cry yourselves to sleep.

This repeats, but the intensity is less. Sometimes you smile. Take baby steps. Your heart still broken. But as time passes, even though you sometimes go back to the lover you once had, you feel less pain when you see it or think about it. Slowly your heart becomes whole again. You can smile. You are somewhat OKAY. Okay enough to smile and laugh. Okay enough to sleep well at night.

The security guard

This little snippet is about my thoughts about a security guard that i saw in Borders, The Curve.

When i noticed him, he was in the midst of dozing off while standing. He looked around 50 years old. Looked very tired and sleepy. understandable. Probably he have a family of 5 who is depending on him to survive. Probably there is a wife who doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with her husband because of his work. Probably there are two daughters who cannot afford to buy their revision guide text book or a new pair of school shoes thinking requesting these needs would burden the father. There maybe a son who feel embarrassed among his group of friends because he may not have the latest car or gadget, because his father cannot give him money for that. There is a man who works day and night to provide the family. Standing for long hours, not minding the pain that creeps up from his ankles after long hours. He maybe able to forget all the pain and be in the working mode. He knows the routes to almost every store in the mall.He can guide someone who asks for direction..

While i was just logging in to write about this in here, he disappeared..after looking for a bit, i noticed that he was standing near one of the bookshelves, somewhat leaning on it. It must be a sickening feeling to stand for so long.. just to stand..and stand…till night. I wonder how much he makes every hour or month.. If i had a chance to help people to just give away money, i would… hmm. i have this dream to feed homeless/ hungry families and children in road for food. anything to help a poor soul.