We reconciled and my heart was lighter again. I forgot about the pain. I started smiling. But deep inside me, i always had this voice that kept telling me that you are doing this so that i would annoy you less, so that i wouldn’t come and disturb you or nag you or beg to you anymore. Something was telling me that this is temporary. I noticed how reluctant you are when you don’t say a simple I love you back to me. I knew you have to feel it to say it. You have to say when you mean it. But, the mere fact that i dont get them back even though i say it in the most sweetest and nicest way possible, tells me that, maybe you dont love me for real at all anymore again. But i am not letting go yet. I am not going to give up, because enduring all these could be one step closer to you understanding me, or loving me.
Love is a choice.
It’s an emotion.
Its a feeling.
It’s a decision.
There are so many wonderful words to describe the feeling called love. But what about heartbreak? Not just a heartbreak, what is that feeling you feel when someone you cared about deeply, some whom you loved truly, lets you go? What is that feeling?
Nobody would then tell you about the initial confusion that you go through. Did he/she do anything? Did i say something wrong? Did i do something wrong? As time passes, no body would tell you about the loneliness that you would feel. The dread you feel. The pain you feel. The fear you feel. Nobody would tell you about that.
As days pass by, nobody would tell you that your soaking wet pillows would have collected so much tears by weeks time. And about the terrible depression that pulls you down to the bed. Or about the silent tears that fall down the side of your face when you are staring at the ceiling. No one would tell you about losing you appetite, or being bombarded with memories as you see the places or go to places where you once visited with him/her.
Then memories fill your head and you think maybe he/she will come back to you. You beg, whine, cry. Nothing happens. Nothing but you being kicked out or yelled at or in modern digital world: blocked and removed. The person that you have seen as your everything; your life, your breath, your smile, your purpose in life have turned into this cold, heartless, loveless, angry person that you have never seen before. You ask yourselves, all the whys and hows but there is no denying that the person you still hold on to have let you go a long time ago.
You sink into the reality that it’s over; but your heart so attached to this person, isn’t ready to accept the fact that its all over. You spend your nights scrolling through your pictures, listening to the songs that you called it as “ours”. You read all the sweet messages between you two. You keep hold of their clothes which still have their smell lingering on every thread. But deep inside, there is this pain. a form of physical pain that slowly engulfs a part of your chest. From within. You want to scream. So loud. Ask why. Your mind is chaotic. There is a storm happening in there and you are trying to keep your sanity. You cry. Cry yourselves to sleep.
This repeats, but the intensity is less. Sometimes you smile. Take baby steps. Your heart still broken. But as time passes, even though you sometimes go back to the lover you once had, you feel less pain when you see it or think about it. Slowly your heart becomes whole again. You can smile. You are somewhat OKAY. Okay enough to smile and laugh. Okay enough to sleep well at night.
I came across the hashtag #prayfororlando as i was mindlessly scrolling through my Twitter. I didn’t understand it at first but as i got to know the news, my heart was shattered. 50 men were killed and 53 men were injured in a shooting incident in a gay bar/club, because the shooter felt angry that two men were kissing. So many questions flooded my mind. Obviously, the first one was WHY!.
The shooter’s ex wife said he was a wife beater and was abusive. But still! Why did he have to shoot innocent people who came to a club to have fun? They went there to live, not die! What could he have gained from this? As a self identified bisexual girl myself, i am beyond saddened and shocked that the level of homophobia some people show is just atrocious. Why be phobic to two humans in love? Who set a rule that you can only love a member of the opposite sex? Now don’t bring in religion in here because whats written in the books are written by humans who wrote shit to get their ways. I am so angry and sad that this is happening to the LGBTQ community. When gay marriage was legalized, nothing else progressed. It’s a lie that LGBTQ rights are there. Its a big lie sadly.
I hope the LGBTQ community and especially the family of those who passed away will find peace and closure. Let us pray for them, let us pray for the world.
Do you think i am not hurt when you act very thick headed?
Do you think i am not hurt when you refuse to read my messages because they sound “stupid”?
Do you think i am not hurt when i ask you every week with some hope that if u can call me and you always say no?
Do you think it doesn’t hurt for me to watch our old videos and voice notes so i can still see your smile and hear your voice?
Do you think i am not hurt when i cry myself to sleep thinking of how much i crave your love and i get nothing?
Do you think i am not hurt when you don’t even bother to ask me how my days was or if i have eaten?
Do you think i am not hurt when you keep telling me it is easy to leave me and that i am a burden to you?
Do you think i am not hurt when you dont want me as much as i want you?
Do you think i am not hurt by you at all?
I am my dear loved one!
But do you know why endure it? Even if it’s extremely painful?
Because i love you.
But you know what’s more hurtful? When you pretend my love is invisible to you
When you are like i mean nothing to you
When you disregard my emotions.
Dear you, it hurts, teach me how to do what you do to me. so it will hurt less.
But again, do you think i am not hurt?
He used to use Fogg Marco deo/perfume. that was the smell i associated with him. there is a picture of us near my table. his wide smile, eyes gleaming with excitement. i take a whiff and my eyes well up almost instantly, because what flashes in my eyes is the smell i get when i lay down on his chest after a night out. the same smell i got when i hugged him tight one last time on the day he left, on his green shirt. its almost 2 months since he left, bit it feels like 2 years already. he doesnt know that i am still depressed deep inside for his departure. i have made everyone believe that i have moved on. to an extent, yes, but in an overall sense, no! he is happy there.
i do feel his absence deeply at times, when i hear silence where it was once filled with his laughter. yes i miss getting angry at him for playing his video games throughout. it never really mattered because now all i crave for is just a touch from him. no one knows how much i miss your presence. yes , its temporary, but.. i just wish if we were together physically. i love you, and i literally do miss you, EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.
During my last semester break, which was around May 2015- early June, i went to Langkawi with him. It was our first major trip together. We reached Langkawi in the morning of that June morning (i really forgot the date 😦 ) and took a deep breath and smiled at each other in glee. We were like backpackers/tourists/honeymoon couples. We were so excited and we go out and we rented a motorbike. Never in my life till then that i had expected to go on a bike with him and at last it happened. I hugged him from the back and we started our journey. and yes, we had a trusty map. Our destination was to Pantai Cenang, and stopped by and slowed down in places to wonder the village like beauty of Langkawi. To be honest, it made me miss my home and village in Kerala. In this part of Langkawi, i think, the lives are simple for the locals, but probably distracted by the outsiders as it is a famous tourist destination in Malaysia.
We roamed around and found a place to stay in and it was called T-star cottage. It was beautiful except that the one we booked was without the aircon which is more or less like self- torture in a beach side. Rested and we left to roam. Places that we went to were the Cable Car where we got to see a beautiful view of Langkawi, and obviously Pantai Cenang. The motor bike ride was probably the most memorable for me because i was very excited to be on a bike after years. Rode even in the rain, and through middle of the forest. The journey to find the black pebble beach and finding the skull beach and spotting monkeys at the end of a cliff.We got a sunset picture which was worth the trip and lots of memories. At times, his thought of him leaving did come across, but the happiness in his face, i never wanted to destroy it by showing my sadness to him. I loved to see his happy face.
At night, we bought some booze and talked. A lot. It was very quiet in there. All we could hear was the forest. The beautiful sound of the forest. I remember running barefoot along the pavement of T-star cottage. The smell of the incense stick i burned that night. Jasmine. And the silence, and beside me, My love. I miss you Langkawi. I miss the memories you have given me.
Months prior to June 8th i was already showing signs of depression and anxiety. it was a whirlwind of emotions whicch he blamed mostly on the moon. every time he said its the moon that’s changing my mood, i wanted to scream at him No its not the moon, its just the mere thought of your absence from me is what is hurting me. it is what is destroying my sanity. How the hell do i be sane without your presence.
i never shouted back. Just said i don’t believe in the moon and mood relation and continued. June 8th came and i wished if time could freeze so i could be with you a little longer, but hey its not reasonable right? i remember crying while doing everything else but not in front of him. Then it came the time where we had to leave our little room, which was our temporary sanctuary. Before we leave i hugged him and cried, not wanting to let him go. The journey began. Hours later, it was time for him to leave. I kept holding his hand as much as i could because i wanted to savor every inch of his skin on me. He was gone. I cried like there was no tomorrow. But i managed it better than i expected.
But when i look back now, i am waking up to this empty space next to me. When i go to sleep, there is no one to lie down on my chest (he used to keep his head on mine). There is a lot of silence around me, and i miss his laughter. Before when i open my door after coming back from classes, he was there for me , or i knew i can look forward to see him. But now, i can just wait. Calls help. Skype helps. Messaging/ whatsapp helps, but not feeling his presence near me, or not being able to see that smile or feel his skin in person, hurts the most. especially his laughter. Moments when he used to play around and laugh like a little kid who got a million gifts from Santa. How much i miss that.
He sends me pictures to incorporate me with the moment. But it makes me more sad as i realise i am not there with him. But you know what, i might have a positive outlook on his absence . I could motivate myself to study harder so i could make him proud and go back home as soon as i can. i can work on myself to be healthier as i am 100%, he would want a slimmer me so i could fit well with him. maybe a happier me. i dont know where this journey will end, but june 8th was the day where my heart was crushed into a million pieces and was left on my own. I miss you and i am welcoming myself to LDR. i miss you