hello 2018

I am hoping for a happier 2018. I can’t believe 2017 is over. Time is flying so fast. Really really fast. In a way, i am ready to face 2018, as a working woman. Somewhat miserably single. A little more happier. Soon to be healthier.

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Less of sad posts. Less of ex boyfriends stories. Less stories about how my heart is getting broken by guys who rejects me. Less of guys. More of me. I am looking forward for a good 2018 ahead of me. I am hoping this year will be as chill as ever.

 

See ya.

 

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Spiraling down again

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2 years ago, i remember i used to go workout every single day. However, i was severely depressed because of a break up that i was going through. There used to be days when depression would win. Let me tell you though, working out was my zen time. Running that one extra minute. Lifting that extra 2 kgs, Doing one extra rep, all was gave me a boost. However, it all would come crashing down the second i am back in my room. I used to cry for hours and still wipe my face and find the energy to go workout. Just like how love was a drug to me, working out and the adrenaline was a drug too. I remember my days wake up-class-home-eat-work out-sleep- repeat. I was mostly at home. On better days, i used to go to starbucks and give myself a little treat of my favorite caramel frappucino. But there were also days where lunch and dinner was vodka. Sometimes evening tea (aka vodka), sometimes midnight snack. When i think of it all now, i was a wreck. I remember crying without a stop for hours and then getting up to pee. I never bothered drinking enough water other than at gym. Now the feelings are coming back. I really wanted my 2018 to start well. I really hoped, but i think that wont happen.

I recently got rejected. Funny when i think about it. I used to be the girl that was never out of love. I guess it only made me have so much to give. Suddenly, when rejections started happening. i started crumbling. it feels honestly like a break up. in this case, the pain is masked by being cute. i swear to god it hurts every time i leave his place. shit happens. Last year this time, i was on my revival trip to Langkawi with my bestie. By dec last year, i had come a long way. it was a trip to forget his memories. I went to many of the places that me and him went together.

Now i see myself being lost again because of problems at home, stress, rejections, hopelessness. In front of everyone, i am so fucking happy that i cant be contained. People envy. i wouldn’t wish my life on anyone. its like as if i open my legs and my problems are gone. they get what they want atleast, thus i do what i do best even in my sadness; make people happy. i am spiraling down with no help. This is why,my new year resolution is to be happy.

ONE LAST THING. i have never cried a single tear in the past few months, because i bottle everything up. trust me, i used to be the girl who used to cry seeing a road accident, then i built up this huge wall and told myself i will never cry again, for anything, or anyone. there were times when i just want to fall on the ground and cry my heart would clench but i never shed a tear. but tonight i will cry my heart out. i will be crying out everything that i have been holding in for so long. For real, i am hoping for a better 2018 despite all the let down in my life.

final few posts

I am not new to being rejected. But i am new to being rejected so many times in a short period of time that, i question if what i am doing is even logical. As i mentioned in my previous post, I am waiting till January to start anew. Call it a new year resolution. I wanted to only keep people who are near and dear to me, but turns out some people doesnt want to be that. This same feeling i had last year, when i was still healing from my break up. Expect less of sad blog posts. Maybe more happier posts awaits in the future. It has come to a point where people say dont be shokam all the time. i am not . its just that shit happens. i am looking forward to see what 2018 has to offer me. 2017 was very laid back yet full of surprises. i hope to find love in 2018. i hope to be a little happier in 2018. i hope to be a better me in 2018.

Who do you think you are?

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What right do you think you have for you to be missed by them?

What right do you think you have for you to open up your heart and soul to them?

What right do you think you have for you to even cross the thought of them liking you like the way you like them.

Who do you think you are?

You keep hearing things like, don’t expect anything from anyone, we are alone, i am running away from commitments of a relationship, then the worst; no strings attached please.

Who do you think you are for them to miss you?

You are just an outlet for their sexual frustration maybe. You are just a carrier of a genital.

What they will never know is, you are deeply hurt. You are always looking for love. You are hoping to be loved. What they will never know is there is a person behind all these sexual stuff. What they will never know is that she is very gentle and soft and wishes nothing but the best for the others. What they will never know is that she will rarely say NO, because she was brought up with the idea that saying NO is rude. Being rude is bad.Being bad is BAD.

What they will never know is she is caring and puts you before anything if given the opportunity. They will never know that she lives everyday in a lot of pain but hides it to keep the perfect funny bubbly image of hers.

She knows she will be just a talking topic.

She will fly like a feather, brushing one tree and another.

They will never know that she wants to be missed and loved too. Mostly, they will never know that sometimes all she needs is a meaningful long hug because it will crack the mask she wears proudly to show everyone that she is fine. But no one does that to a whore. Whores doesn’t deserve love. Whores can’t wish to missed or loved. What bullshit is that. Whores can’t ask to hug them.Because with the hugs whores gets, his hands will be in her pants. Whores can’t demand.

I am just waiting for January. To give another chance to myself. I am not a living sex toy. I am going to stop every bullshit that i am putting myself in.

She can’t tell anyone that she is at the lowest point in her life, but there are very few people who keeps her happy. There are few things that makes her smile.Why do i write all these in a public blog you might wonder. My audience doesn’t know me. I am just a girl who writes weird stuff.

with never ending hopes of finding love.

-ME

 

Lipstick stains

Her lipstick stains were still on his heart it seems.

For every little thing she was ready to forgive. But it makes no point anymore. I know i have put up a post saying that he was going to get married. I guess he got caught up with his work. In a month (Jn 2018) he is going to India for his sister’s wedding. He said maybe the family is planning something for him. Why should I be worried. I have only seen myself with him for so long that the thought of him sitting on that mandapam in his white shirt and mundu, with the nadaswaram resonating in the hall freaks me out. What if when he ties that knot on her he stops for a second and thinks of me. Crazy! What if he regrets it for a split second.  Nadasawarams freak me out these days. I know one thing for sure, he still loves me somewhere, deep in his heart. But, we can’t be together. I cannot be an “obeying” wife. I can only be a “loving” wife. I will not be sorry for feeling my emotions. I am mentally preparing myself to handle his wedding news a little easier.

A friend once told me ” Don’t expect anything from anyone”., “We are all alone.” I take a step back and think of what I’ve been doing. I know im alone. I know it much better than anyone else. Dont expect anything from anyone. I care for people that i am close with a lot. A lot that they think im crazy. That’s my problem. I care. i expect 5% of it back and i get hurt

LIPSTICK STAINS

I want to leave that lipstick stain on his heart. I don’t know.

The only lipstick stains i want to leave now is on my future boyfriends cheeks. haha. i cant wait till 4 more weeks to remove some people from my life. i think he is stuck in the Silk Board, Bangalore traffic jam. he is taking so long to come to me.

 

No strings attached-EMOTIONLESS

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Here, people “love” without any real feelings. Emotionless. Tinder works only for hookups here. It’s a lie that people say “some guys only want to be friends”. Doesn’t sound like it though because most of them are finding excuses to take you bed. I don’t hate men. I just hate their nerves to act so friendly and then once they take them to bed, they are able to let go of the girl without a thing. i dont know . Then their excuse is like “Uh, i am an asshole”, “uh please . no strings attached please”; especially when the girl makes it clear that she isn’t looking for hook ups. She hopes that he would really love.

Her world crashes down as he says “no strings attached”. She smiles through the sheer pleasure and pain of his manhood entering her. But he doesnt have to know that he also managed to crush her heart. She wakes up the next morning, with stomach still hurting from him fucking her. She gives him a smile, cuddles a bit and prepares to leave. Her heart now wounded from yesterdays words. For her, every time she hears this, its another story of rejection. As she stares into herself in the mirror of another guy’s home, she is more disgusted than happy.  The thoughts run wild.  A perfect example of EXPECTATIONS Vs REALITY.

EXPECTATIONS; She wakes up, wraps herself with the blanket where he brushes her hair back behind her ears and gives her a kiss on the nose. She looks deep into his eyes smiling widely as ever, her heart filled with so much joy, she just buries herself into his chest. HUG.

REALITY; She wakes up, stares at the ceiling for a good 5 minutes before checking her phone for the time. Its 830 am, Her stomach hurts from yesterday night. His arms still on her. She tries to not make a noise and browses facebook for the next 30 mins where he slowly wakes up. He asks what she wants for breakfast, she doesnt know. They go to a restaurant, in his super bike and he drops her off. done deal. fuck her. feed her. send her back home. repeat.

She washes off yesterday night from her skin. Pops a pill despite her irregular hormones to stop any chance of pregnancy. she is tired. she goes to sleep; hoping to find love elsewhere, but keeps lying to herself that love will come to her and she wont go looking for love.

 

 

the end.