June 8th and beyond

Months prior to June 8th i was already showing signs of depression and anxiety. it was a whirlwind of emotions whicch he blamed mostly on the moon. every time he said its the moon that’s changing my mood, i wanted to scream at him No its not the moon, its just the mere thought of your absence from me is what is hurting me. it is what is destroying my sanity. How the hell do i be sane without your presence.

i never shouted back. Just said i don’t believe in the moon and mood relation and continued. June 8th came and i wished if time could freeze so i could be with you a little longer, but hey its not reasonable right? i remember crying while doing everything else but not in front of him. Then it came the time where we had to leave our little room, which was our temporary sanctuary. Before we leave i hugged him and cried, not wanting to let him go. The journey began. Hours later, it was time for him to leave. I kept holding his hand as much as i could because i wanted to savor every inch of his skin on me. He was gone.  I cried like there was no tomorrow. But i managed it better than i expected.

But when i look back now, i am waking up to this empty space next to me. When i go to sleep, there is no one to lie down on my chest (he used to keep his head on mine). There is a lot of silence around me, and i miss his laughter. Before when i open my door after coming back from classes, he was there for me , or i knew i can look forward to see him. But now, i can just wait. Calls help. Skype helps. Messaging/ whatsapp helps, but not feeling his presence near me, or not being able to see that smile or feel his skin in person, hurts the most. especially his laughter. Moments when he used to play around and laugh like a little kid who got a million gifts from Santa. How much i miss that.

He sends me pictures to incorporate me with the moment. But it makes me more sad as i realise i am not there with him. But you know what, i might have a positive outlook on his absence . I could motivate myself to study harder so i could make him proud and go back home as soon as i can. i can work on myself to be healthier as i am 100%, he would want a slimmer me so i could fit well with him. maybe a happier me. i dont know where this journey will end, but june 8th was the day where my heart was crushed into a million pieces and was left on my own. I miss you and i am welcoming myself to LDR. i miss you


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