No strings attached-EMOTIONLESS

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Here, people “love” without any real feelings. Emotionless. Tinder works only for hookups here. It’s a lie that people say “some guys only want to be friends”. Doesn’t sound like it though because most of them are finding excuses to take you bed. I don’t hate men. I just hate their nerves to act so friendly and then once they take them to bed, they are able to let go of the girl without a thing. i dont know . Then their excuse is like “Uh, i am an asshole”, “uh please . no strings attached please”; especially when the girl makes it clear that she isn’t looking for hook ups. She hopes that he would really love.

Her world crashes down as he says “no strings attached”. She smiles through the sheer pleasure and pain of his manhood entering her. But he doesnt have to know that he also managed to crush her heart. She wakes up the next morning, with stomach still hurting from him fucking her. She gives him a smile, cuddles a bit and prepares to leave. Her heart now wounded from yesterdays words. For her, every time she hears this, its another story of rejection. As she stares into herself in the mirror of another guy’s home, she is more disgusted than happy.  The thoughts run wild.  A perfect example of EXPECTATIONS Vs REALITY.

EXPECTATIONS; She wakes up, wraps herself with the blanket where he brushes her hair back behind her ears and gives her a kiss on the nose. She looks deep into his eyes smiling widely as ever, her heart filled with so much joy, she just buries herself into his chest. HUG.

REALITY; She wakes up, stares at the ceiling for a good 5 minutes before checking her phone for the time. Its 830 am, Her stomach hurts from yesterday night. His arms still on her. She tries to not make a noise and browses facebook for the next 30 mins where he slowly wakes up. He asks what she wants for breakfast, she doesnt know. They go to a restaurant, in his super bike and he drops her off. done deal. fuck her. feed her. send her back home. repeat.

She washes off yesterday night from her skin. Pops a pill despite her irregular hormones to stop any chance of pregnancy. she is tired. she goes to sleep; hoping to find love elsewhere, but keeps lying to herself that love will come to her and she wont go looking for love.

 

 

the end.

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No Strings Attached

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Sex used to be something that made me bind to the person that i am with. However, here, sex is nothing but something to get off to, I am horny so lets fuck kind of attitude. I always wondered how “no strings attached” concept works. Even strings attached is hard to process. What about NO STRINGS ATTACHED then. What if  you get feelings for the other person you know!? This then turns into unrequited love; which creates more pain. I am not saying this is what everyone feels but all i am trying to say is one of the party might end up catching some kind of feelings.

Now to what bothers me.

I have my own set of hookup stories. I am not proud of it. Sex used to be something very emotional for me, despite the kinnkiness of it. I go back to my abusive  ex when i think of it. I used to watch him sleep. So vulnerable, tired after great sex. It only made me love him more. For me, when someone cares a bit too much, i melt. I dont always get that kind of feelings from anyone. So when i finally find someone who actually cares for this psycho girl in a non parental way, i melt and fall in love.  The thing with friends with no strings attached is that they keep in touch to keep the chemistry going. They know if you stop talking, the chemistry is gone and then there is no next time. I realised this is the worst kind of time pass.

Not only that you are at risk, but these guys will only love you for your genitals than your heart. What the hell am i looking for? Someone who love my heart than my genitals. I am no sex object. I guess i am at one of the lowest points of my love life. The guys in india seems stuck up. The guys who showed interest in me, but when i confess i like them, they back off. I don’t know if its me or them. Is it my size? Maybe is personal commitments? Those who show some kind of affection turns out to be wanting sex at the end of the day.

Now who would want to love me anyways. I have destroyed myself. Maybe this was desperation. I don’t know. I crave to be touched , like a hug or holding hands or so. I crave some kind of affection. And then here i am having A FWB. It sucks. it really does. its about time i shut myself off again. Who cares if  im living the city life. i  will stay shut until im happy. i am ready to find love. but i am patiently waiting for it to come. and also,  no strings attached relationships are not for me.  i think what i am doing is that im trying to find him in everyone i meet (no i dont fuck everyone i meet) . thats all.

 

thats all folks

To my dearest crush

Dear crush,

I don’t care if you dont love me, but i would have been the happiest girl in the planet if you had just said YES. I know we can’t go any further in the situation that we are in right now. I now don’t expect anything in return. My feelings for you is sincere. The most important thing was that i loved you, even from a distance. I loved you every single time, you were too busy to see or take my hints.

I wish the best for you and may God help you in whatever you are struggling with. Sorry that i can’t help much. May you find all the joy you are looking for. My last word from me since we probably wont see each other again, because you broke my heart. Not as badly as the others. I don’t take rejections well. I loved you for your personality. Not your your looks. Not your money. Not your anything else. I loved you for you.  I only had love to give you. I just wanted to love you.

 

You dont have to fanzone, friendzone me. I won’t mention you in my blogs anymore.  I am sorry that i wanted you. I AM SORRY THAT I THOUGHT THAT I COULD BE YOURS.

 

Sincerely,

That girl who had the biggest crush on you

Escape to Bangalore (Week 2)

In the second week here,  I honestly was getting a little more lonelier and such day by day. However something interesting kept happening. It rained EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! One of the days the rains were so bad that the road in front of my office space literally became like a river. Well, that was just one of the many roads that were turned into a river. It used to get unbelievably cold in the morning. At least for someone who comes from the tropical countries, this cold was unusual. I somewhat hated it. 

Also, i met few of my acquainted friends and my bestie Sruthy. Sruthy was my classmate in university. sister from another mother. We went out to the nearby mall and chilled out. I never thought i would see her again in my entire life but ah life makes you do crazy things. At work, I was getting a little more acceptance and recognition than last week. There is a word that goes here and its like, there are gangs. You have to be here for years or months for you to be accepted into a gang. Once you are in the gang, you are not allowed to leave or switch gangs. Crazy right! Well, i am not here to make gangs. Heck i dont even want to keep friends here. While i was working in Brunei, my work ethic was something like “you are my friend from 8 am to 5 pm.” I keep the same here. I will mingle with you from 630 am to 330pm.  

That weekend was deepavali. I went to Commercial Street. This was 10x bigger than Pasar Seni in Malaysia. I was so happy i went there all alone exploring. Walked a lot that day to be honest! Through the sides of cubbon park. i couldn’t go in because it was kinda dark and late anyways. one thing for sure, i cant wait to go to commercial again and next time, i might even go to cubbon park, if i get to go early. On the way back, i met up with Shabs (probably my most favorite part of the day). I swear i love his jokes where he sees a fancy car and says “Oh i just lend it for a day, have to collect it tomorrow“. Every time he cracks that joke and every time i see a fancy car when i am alone, i think to myself ” hmmm, shabin must have lend it to them”. 

Deepavali here is grand. Non stop fireworks and sales and what not. I enjoy watching fireworks from a distance. I like that i am here for this celebration. I feel blessed that i got to see the Deepavali celebrations from Malaysia and India now. I really hope i will have an opportunity to celebrate many more celebrations.  The fireworks that night lasted till around 12 am.  i had work the next day so it was difficult to sleep.  But i do hope that i will be here next year to celebrate another deepavali here, who knows with a lucky someone. 

(to be continued)

Escape to Bangalore (Week 1)

Week 1 here and my brain was still finding it difficult to calibrate myself to the shift to Bangalore. This time, i could feel the overwhelming feelings creeping in. However, i wasn’t new to this kind of feeling because I have felt similar feelings when i was Kuala Lumpur for the first time. Work was again very monotonous since i am a new joiner and i had hella lots of things to learn. How the hell can a psychologist survive in a finance field!? Life makes you do crazy things. 

Another thing that i have to highlight is that i was very aware of my easy access to alcohol. Unlike in kerala where it looks awkward for a lady to stand in line and buy alcohol, here it was like how its in malaysia; you just walk in and buy. Therefore, on the first week, i bought my first bottle of alcohol. I bought Old Monk. 

The first time i had Old Monk was when i was in BruLand. One of my dad’s friend bought it from Bangalore itself. On my first sip of it, I fell in love with it. Since it’s not available anywhere else, i had to patiently wait until some kind soul decided to buy it and bring it back.  I honestly didn’t wait till it was night or anything to open the bottle. I rushed home and had my first sip of Old monk again after nearly a year. God! it tasted like chocolate to me. Sweet Sweet chocolate. 

That weekend Shabs and I went out. I really enjoy his company. (Again, more on this on some other post) . We went to Koramangala Forum Mall. Apparently, its one of the well known malls here. There were so many people! Having seen a plethora of people, we headed off to truffles. I am not even gonna lie, they have huge portion sizes, but the price is good. We then headed out for drinks in Jimis beer cafe. The beers here are strong. I met a friend of Shabs; Praveen and his girlfriend (?). She was very sweet. That stupid beer made me super tipsy but NOT drunk. Funny enough, for my uber on the way back, barely being able to keep my eyes open, i realised we are going on the wrong way. Not knowing Hindi and all, i somehow managed to tell the dude that the location is wrong. I open up my google maps and show him the way. Thus i will say happily, thanks to Shabs, my first weekend in BLR was fantastic. 

The following week, i slowly started making friends at work. As in, people started talking to me. I still dont know how to approach my seniors and all. More on my work and stuff on the next post because the following week i saw a road turn into a river. 

(to be continued)

Escape to Bangalore (1)

My first thought about Bangalore was “OMG, THERE’S A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE!AND ITS KINDA DUSTY IN HERE” Coming from a place with pristine roads and pollution free zones, this was a new scene for me. BruLand was ranked as the 3rd most cleanest country with pollution free air. There was a blanket of dust around. I was received by my one and only Shabs. I mean shabin. (more on it in another post lol) . i go to my airbnb home, hosted by two wonderful people; Saurav and Minakshi. I was pleasantly surprised by the weather. It was somewhat cool. You really needed a blanket and you cant sleep naked.  My naked body deserves no celebration anyway. The smells , the sights , the feels were all different. Very unfamiliar yet i wasn’t overwhelmed. The language was something i knew i had to brush up on. Kannada is not even my league (considering the only word i know right now is MAADI -meaning do). Hindi is still highly questionable. 

I remember not being able to sleep that night because i was supposed to start working the following day. The following day however, i was very unpleasantly shocked with the traffic jam. Everyone used to say that the traffic is bad in Bangalore City. I just didn’t know how bad it was. The traffic jam exceeded my expectations. So I took around 50 minutes to travel 3 km.  Thinking about it, i miss the times when I used to race my car back in BruLand at a minimum 140km/h ; 3 km  in 3 minutes. My office is located in a techpark area. As a young girl, i always used to imagine myself working behind computers in a large city (crazy i know, but i got this ideation from the malayalam movie Rithu) . However, i didn’t know that dumb dream of mine would one day become a reality. Work is like any other  place i guess ; with deadlines and targets and whatnot. 

Within 2 weeks of being here, i got to see a lot of things, got to meet few people and even try different kinds of foods. That’s just the tip of the iceberg though. But hey, i kinda want to share what happened on my first week here…

 

(to be continued) 

 

I had one chance to escape. Journey to Bangalore

Thus i left my safe haven, from the comfort of my parents, my car, my pets, my always fast wifi etc. Basically i was blessed to have everything that i pretty much needed in my life for that moment. Heck, i even had a part time job as a psychologist. I was somewhat living life, but i always was unhappy because i never felt a sense of belonging. I was always a foreigner, bound by a visa, locked in with a valid passport. I always had the longing to go back to India. My friends from India did keep suggesting that its a bad idea, but they never got plucked out of their once loving home for the next 10 years. They have always been here. My 2-3 weeks vacation in India was never enough, because before i get to immerse myself into being Indian, its time for me to leave. Clutching the  copious amount of Vanitha magazines and Hair oils, I always used to stare out into the skies that was zooming out right before my eyes. All my intention was just to absorb the last glimpses of the place i call home before it is engulfed by the puffy clouds.

 

I would say, after I finished my university, i was hoping to get a job in India. Anywhere in  a Kerala city was my goal. Be it Trivandrum, Cochin, or whatever. I kept applying every single day. Kept checking my naukri and the 10000 different job portal sites that i have signed up for. No luck was upon me as i was abroad. I never however stopped trying.

Then I realised my passport only have 3 more pages, which limits my chances of travelling off to anywhere. We tried everything to do it from outside itself, but was told that passport extension is better to be done in the home country. Then I knew, this is when I leave . This is my chance to leave. I leave on 9th August and on the second week i head out to Cochin for job hunting. Going out alone in a city for job hunting for the first time was one of the most memorable yet empowering moments in my life I would say. I survived solely on Munch chocolates, cream biscuits, and water. Not because i didn’t have money, but for some reason, feeding myself was not my priority.

On the 4th day of my job hunting venture, i get a call from a company in Bangalore saying that they saw my profile in naukri and offered me a job. I was on the way to Aster Medcity that day. Anyway, i told them, i will call back after i think about it. I was shaking of disbelief and shock. I informed my parents and we had a discussion. I was adamant that i wanted it though its not my field, because this is my one chance to lock myself in India, at least for a while. This was my make it or break it. This was the one and only chance i got/had. I took up the job offer and after a lot of running around here and there to settle the paper works and legal procedure, i hop on my night time train to Bangalore, this time, leaving behind another place i call home. 8 hours later, i reach the ever famous Bengaluru. I breathed in the different air, and said to myself, this is my home now. Get ready

 

(to be continued)