Good bye Dear Jose

Jose is leaving Bangalore. Work related. This resonates with me of the time when Aaro was leaving. I dont think Jose knows that i love him. I love him regardless of his chaotic life. Regardless of his messed up past. regardless of his unsure future, but see, love is a two way thing right. He probably sees me as a fuck buddy only. maybe that is the truth. but compared to other people it felt different with him. So the same feeling rushed over me like 2 years ago. That same blanket cloud of depression. I am not eating well. I am having headaches and all already. I loved and thats the mistake i did. i have to move on from him too. dont know how long its going to take, months or years. jose will even be married by then. maybe that is what will make me sweep back away from him.

Its okay, i am used to rejection. its okay,,,im used to being unloved. Its okay…im used to being not good enough. its okay. iam used to all these. This rupi kaur poem describes exactly how i am feeling.

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Good bye Jose. You don’t need to love me if you don’t feel it. You can continue shutting your emotions off. Its fine. Il cry , dont know for how long. Not because you dont like me, but because i will miss having a good friend that i can come to in the middle of the night. I will miss having a reason spend my weekends outside. I will miss you,and your weird silence that i really love. Everything will be okay, jose, just like you said. You will probably never see this but i really loved you, though from a distance.you maybe loved me for my pussy but i saw you beyond your dick.

ps: i stare at aju because he looks like you, not because i like aju.

With love

-A-

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he is my man

Recently, I uploaded a picture into instagram with me and my housemate. Nothing outrageous or anything it was, but just a simple selfie. Well 10 minutes into it, i get a DM from his “girlfriend/fwb” because of a hashtag i used. He claims he is single; thus i put it as #heissingle . He claims this girl isnt his girlfriend, yet they have intimate pics from like a year ago. Yet so much have happened between them. She sends me this text and i didnt know what to even say. She said ” Eh, he no single girl, he is my man”. I later send her a thumbs up as a reply because if i am pissed she is gone. Even God wont know what i would tell her. 

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But something that struck me was, look..he claims to not like her as a lover, but she was fighting for him. I thought to myself for a second, i have never had someone who have fought for me.  Even in my past relationships, it was I who have for my boyfriends, It was I who took 100% effort in fighting for the love. I don’t know what it feels like to be somebody’s priority. I don’t know what it is like to constantly care for someone. Heck, i don’t even know what feels like to be loved unconditionally anymore. You know, the selfless love thing. 

She might come home raging, angry, to claim her love. She calls him muffin, He calls her Laddoo (indian sweet). I want to cringe sometimes, I want to crawl into a ball and cry sometimes, when i hear those because all i get is my name.  I am just busy being a hopeless whore trying to find love. You can call it jealousy, i call it self pity. My ex used to call me Choochi. lol! some cutesy term for cuteypie. That was 3 years ago.  He turned out to be a monster. 

I keep telling myself to focus on other things; myself; my failing youtube career, my fitness etc. But, nothing works. Its like love is the only thing that drives me. It was my drug. I feel like a cocaine addict who is on withdrawal. Maybe what people say is true, “Your love is my drug”.

Someday I will also smile from the bottom of my heart in disbelief by seeing some cute message or by experiencing some romantic gesture from someone who loves me. Someone who sees me not just for my vagina, but also for my heart. 

Dear Laddoo, i dont want to be the ant in your heaven. Dear muffin, she is all yours. 

-ashiean

 

A 90 degree shift ; first post of 2018

Hey! I am back again, with posts no one will ever read 😀

The start of this year was somewhat still bumpy. I am still on a bumpy ride. First things first. Work. New things are happening at work. From new mistakes to new conversations. Its all a bumpy fun ride at the office. Don’t know for how long though.

Then, Jose; second week of January was heavy. We talked about the same damn thing, you know…the rejection part. The most shocking thing for me was i cried. I FUCKING CRIED INFRONT OF HIM. I never cry infront of people. But, his “NO i have no feelings for you” broke me. Trust me, i even managed to say NO to him. I wanted to see him first thing when he came back but i managed to not go and see him like a weak bitch that i am.

Change of priorities: last time when i was depressed just the same way, i got into fitness. but this time its more of a dangerous eating disorder that i am going through. PCOS helps to hide any eating disorders because you are chubby all the time, but only i know that i am running on empty. i dont feel bad about. only tempted to sleep more.

bad habits. i have started smoking. it curbs hunger, hey! at least thats what everyone wants right! the slim me.

This is not a good start to the year, but i have hope that everything will be okay. i will survive this too.

 

hello 2018

I am hoping for a happier 2018. I can’t believe 2017 is over. Time is flying so fast. Really really fast. In a way, i am ready to face 2018, as a working woman. Somewhat miserably single. A little more happier. Soon to be healthier.

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Less of sad posts. Less of ex boyfriends stories. Less stories about how my heart is getting broken by guys who rejects me. Less of guys. More of me. I am looking forward for a good 2018 ahead of me. I am hoping this year will be as chill as ever.

 

See ya.

 

Spiraling down again

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2 years ago, i remember i used to go workout every single day. However, i was severely depressed because of a break up that i was going through. There used to be days when depression would win. Let me tell you though, working out was my zen time. Running that one extra minute. Lifting that extra 2 kgs, Doing one extra rep, all was gave me a boost. However, it all would come crashing down the second i am back in my room. I used to cry for hours and still wipe my face and find the energy to go workout. Just like how love was a drug to me, working out and the adrenaline was a drug too. I remember my days wake up-class-home-eat-work out-sleep- repeat. I was mostly at home. On better days, i used to go to starbucks and give myself a little treat of my favorite caramel frappucino. But there were also days where lunch and dinner was vodka. Sometimes evening tea (aka vodka), sometimes midnight snack. When i think of it all now, i was a wreck. I remember crying without a stop for hours and then getting up to pee. I never bothered drinking enough water other than at gym. Now the feelings are coming back. I really wanted my 2018 to start well. I really hoped, but i think that wont happen.

I recently got rejected. Funny when i think about it. I used to be the girl that was never out of love. I guess it only made me have so much to give. Suddenly, when rejections started happening. i started crumbling. it feels honestly like a break up. in this case, the pain is masked by being cute. i swear to god it hurts every time i leave his place. shit happens. Last year this time, i was on my revival trip to Langkawi with my bestie. By dec last year, i had come a long way. it was a trip to forget his memories. I went to many of the places that me and him went together.

Now i see myself being lost again because of problems at home, stress, rejections, hopelessness. In front of everyone, i am so fucking happy that i cant be contained. People envy. i wouldn’t wish my life on anyone. its like as if i open my legs and my problems are gone. they get what they want atleast, thus i do what i do best even in my sadness; make people happy. i am spiraling down with no help. This is why,my new year resolution is to be happy.

ONE LAST THING. i have never cried a single tear in the past few months, because i bottle everything up. trust me, i used to be the girl who used to cry seeing a road accident, then i built up this huge wall and told myself i will never cry again, for anything, or anyone. there were times when i just want to fall on the ground and cry my heart would clench but i never shed a tear. but tonight i will cry my heart out. i will be crying out everything that i have been holding in for so long. For real, i am hoping for a better 2018 despite all the let down in my life.

final few posts

I am not new to being rejected. But i am new to being rejected so many times in a short period of time that, i question if what i am doing is even logical. As i mentioned in my previous post, I am waiting till January to start anew. Call it a new year resolution. I wanted to only keep people who are near and dear to me, but turns out some people doesnt want to be that. This same feeling i had last year, when i was still healing from my break up. Expect less of sad blog posts. Maybe more happier posts awaits in the future. It has come to a point where people say dont be shokam all the time. i am not . its just that shit happens. i am looking forward to see what 2018 has to offer me. 2017 was very laid back yet full of surprises. i hope to find love in 2018. i hope to be a little happier in 2018. i hope to be a better me in 2018.